


L.O.V.E

by sunsetmog



Series: Rugby verse [3]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Hey Monday, Panic At The Disco, RPF - Fandom
Genre: AU, Always a girl, F/F, High School, gay-straight alliance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-11
Updated: 2011-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:23:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/pseuds/sunsetmog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school's happening too fast for Ashlee Simpson. She can't stop thinking about the pretty girl who sits at the front of her first period class, and if drawing hearts in her notebook isn't bad enough, she's spending far too much time imagining their first kiss. Meanwhile, her sister is making some pretty bad dating choices, Pete Wentz won't stop staring at her, the Gay-Straight Alliance is turning out to be the most popular club on campus, and somehow it's all Spencer Smith's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	L.O.V.E

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in the same universe as [You Can Sit Beside Me (When The World Comes Down)](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/43459.html), but you don't need to have read that to read this. Beta by elucreh and harriet_vane. Thanks to reni_days for her help.
> 
> Written for bandgirlsbang 2010.
> 
> Bonus Material
> 
> Fanmixes  
> [Is She Weird](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/53926.html#cutid1) by languisity  
> [Your Magic Is Real](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/53926.html#cutid2) by takkatakkatakka
> 
> Fanart  
> [Art](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/53926.html#cutid3) by wethepainted
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/55103.html) on September 7th 2010.

~*~

"I think I want to be a model," Jessica says, before Ashlee's even had a chance to say _good morning_.

Ashlee rubs her eyes sleepily, and makes a face. "Really?" she asks, and bumps Jess with her hip, reaching past her to get the toothpaste. Ashlee's favorite thing to do after she wakes up is brush her teeth. It's a thing. She takes good care of her teeth.

"Yeah," Jessica says, totally seriously, and she strikes a pose, leaning back against their bathroom cabinets, one knee bent, her head thrown back. Her flat iron is still in her hand.

"That's kind of—" Ashlee wants to say _slutty_ , but she doesn't. Jess doesn't need anyone else calling her that. She settles for, "You'd be a good swimwear model."

"It's the boobs," Jessica tells her, adjusting her shirt and running the flat iron through her long hair. "Tom says I have awesome bazookas."

"That's because he wants to have sex with you," Ashlee says. She squeezes the toothpaste tube, a stripe of toothpaste far bigger than the pea-sized amount the instructions suggest.

"I know," Jessica says, unconcernedly. She's ironing the same piece of hair over and over, and Ashlee has to lean past her to wet her toothbrush. She adds more toothpaste, just because. "You think Tom could be Mr. Right?"

Jessica has been waiting for Mr. Right since she was five years old and she got to be the bride in the kindergarten wedding. Jessica's the only teenager that Ashlee's ever met who purposefully buys wedding magazines, just to look at the pictures. Ashlee knows that Jessica has her whole color scheme picked out for her big day already; Ashlee might have had to pick out her bridesmaid outfit a hundred times over as the styles have changed, but the colors have always been the same, violet and sage.

Ashlee thinks about how Tom pushes past people in the lunch line and knocks people over in the hallway. "Probably not," she says, and brushes her teeth, trying to concentrate on one tooth at a time like that dentist guy on the TV says. Oral hygiene is very important. She carries floss in her purse. She has, like, ten cartons or something. One for each purse. It's easier than swapping her things over every time she decides on which purse to use.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Jessica agrees, and she pulls herself up on to the counter top and starts to file her nails. "His breath always smells really rank. I don't want to be kissing that forever, you know, not when I'm thirty. Hey, you want to go shopping after school?"

Ashlee spits her toothpaste into the sink, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and making a face at the idea of kissing someone with bad breath. Jess passes her the towel. "I have dance rehearsal," Ashlee says. Jess's face falls, just a little bit, and Ashlee thinks about her homework, and how much of it there is. "We could go afterwards," she says, because secretly her sister is the closest thing to a best friend she has. "We could pick out Daddy's birthday present."

Jessica leans in, and bumps her shoulder against Ashlee's. "We could get fries from McDonald's," she says, in an almost-whisper. "If we skip lunch, we could."

Ashlee nods. "Sure," she says. Their mom is six days into a new diet—so far as Ashlee can tell, it mostly means eating shrimp and drinking tea that smells like fish. If they eat dinner at the mall then at least they don't have to come home and eat with their mom. "Don't -" she wants to say, _don't kiss Tom Benson_ , but she can't. It won't last between Jess and Tom, because it never does. Jess picks boyfriends who don't treat her right, and Ashlee hates them all. She knows the pattern too well. Jess will come home and cry, and Ashlee will let her pick out a movie, and Ashlee will make snacks and hold Jess's hand under the blanket and they'll share a bag of M&M's and won't talk about how many extra calories they're eating. Then Ashlee will sign up for another two or three hours of dance classes, and Jess will bring another boy over to meet their daddy on a Friday night, and the whole thing will just start over again. Ashlee really wants Jessica to start dating someone who won't dump her when they find out she won't put out, but Jessica never dates that kind of guy.

"We could get manicures," Jess says, leaning over and winding her fingers into Ashlee's hair. "And maybe you could get your hair cut, Ash. You could get an awesome boyfriend. You have really pretty hair."

Ashlee hums. She thinks about the girl from her drama class, with the blonde streak in her dark hair and the multi-colored nail polish and the too-big hoodies, and how when she smiles, Ashlee's stomach flips over and over. "Sure," she says. "Maybe."

~*~

School is pretty bad. Ashlee isn't that great in any of her classes, and the only thing she's really interested in is dancing. It doesn't help that there's a rugby game tomorrow, and all the hallways are decorated and the huge banners with pictures of the rugby team are hanging down over the edge of the stairwells. Ashlee doesn't exactly dislike Spencer Smith—he was kind of nice to her that time they had biology class together, and that one time when she didn't want to slice her frog open, he did it for her when the teacher wasn't looking—but she's not that interested in seeing his face everywhere she turns, on pictures and posters and banners.

After lunch, Ashlee sees Tom Benson pushing Brendon Urie into a locker, and she resolves to talk Jessica out of going out on any more dates with that dickbag. She thinks Brendon's t-shirt is kind of cute, and not stupid at all. She wishes she could be as brave as Brendon is—he wears his _my boyfriend's the flyhalf_ shirt every time there's a rugby game, and no matter how many times Tom Benson pushes him into a locker, he never stops.

Ashlee thinks about what her t-shirt might say. _I like girls_ , maybe, or _I think I'm gay_.

She puts her books in her locker and pulls out her drama notebook, and walks to class.

~*~

The thing is, Ashlee Simpson is pretty sure she's a lesbian.

~*~

In drama class, she sits by herself and doodles in her notebook while Ms. Elliott works with each of the other groups in turn. It's kind of dull, but if she sits at the back of the class with her knees up to her chin, she can sneak glances at Cassadee Pope over the top of her notebook.

Cassadee wears awesome, multi-colored nail polish and has a blonde stripe in her dark hair. She's really pretty, and Ashlee sometimes imagines what it might be to lean in and press her mouth to Cassadee's, just to see what it would feel like. But it isn't like she and Cassadee are friends, or anything. Ashlee's pretty sure that they haven't even spoken in years, not since they were in elementary school and they were invited to the same birthday parties. Sometimes Ashlee calls her _Cass_ in her head, like they're friends and have nicknames for each other. She mouths out _Cass_ , and doodles a heart in her notebook.

She turns the page really quickly when Petey Wentz looks over from the seat next to her and tries to get a look at what she's writing. Ashlee's hated her since the second grade, when they'd gone on a field trip to the Natural History Museum and Petey had pushed her over and Ashlee had skinned her knee. She'd missed the dinosaur exhibit because she'd been having her knee cleaned up in the nurse's station. Petey hadn't missed it, even though she'd been in trouble and had had to stand at the back with the teacher.

Ashlee hasn't ever forgiven her for that.

"What are you writing?" Petey asks, because Petey's been bugging her for as long as she can remember.

"None of your business," Ashlee says, without looking up. She hates Petey Wentz and she hates this stupid school and she hates how she's surrounded by kids she's known since she was five.

When Ms. Elliott asks for volunteers, Ashlee puts her hand up first, because Petey keeps giving her these weird looks from under her stupid swooshy hair.

~*~

Jessica takes them both for manicures after Ashlee's dance rehearsal, which is kind of nice apart from how Ashlee can't stop thinking about the stack of homework she has to get done for tomorrow. She's not exactly expecting a 4.0 or anything, but her daddy is usually pretty good at rewarding good report cards, and Ashlee wants to sign up for more dance classes.

Ashlee's nails are done before Jessica's, because Jessica decides on a mani-ped at the last minute. Ashlee's left picking at the magazines in the waiting area, and she's flicking through a hairstyle magazine when she remembers Jessica telling her she should get a haircut. She's been blonde since before high school, but sometimes she looks in the mirror and barely recognizes herself. The picture in the magazine is really pretty, though, and Ashlee runs her fingers through her hair for a moment before taking the magazine up to the counter. "Can I get this?" she asks, pointing with one newly-manicured finger at the girl with the dark wavy hair in the photograph.

"It's going to be permanent," the hairdresser warns her, as if Ashlee's never had a dye job she's had to maintain before, and does her hair even _look_ natural? "We'll need to book you in pretty regularly for your roots."

"I don't mind," Ashlee says, and her heart's beating fast and loud in her chest. "I want it."

It's getting pretty late in the afternoon, and the salon is kind of empty, so they fit her in right away. When Jess's pedicure is done, she pulls up a chair and talks to Ashlee about how awesome her new hair is going to be. Ashlee nods a lot and lets Jessica and her hairstylist, Paul, talk over the top of her about hair-care and shampoo, and about how Jessica wants a little dog to carry in her purse, like the girls in the magazines.

Ashlee closes her eyes and doesn't look in the mirror as he applies the dye; she wants it to be a surprise. She wants it to be _magic_. She wants everything to change.

~*~

It doesn't change anything. Cassadee doesn't even seem to notice Ashlee's new dark hair, and it isn't like Ashlee changed her look so that Cassadee would suddenly want to be her friend, or anything, but she can't help but feel deflated when Cassadee does nothing more than nod a _hey_ in Ashlee's general direction at the start of drama class.

"Nice hair, Simpson," Petey says, coming to sit next to her.

"Bite me," Ashlee says, and she wonders if she can get away with wearing her sunglasses inside so that she can stare at Cassadee and not have anyone notice. She chews at the end of her pencil instead, and tries to ignore Petey, who's still being weird and trying to talk to her.

"Jeez," Petey says, next to her. "I was only trying to be nice."

"Well, don't," Ashlee says, and Petey slumps back in her chair and shuffles closer to the wall.

Ashlee lets out a breath and taps her feet against the floor.

~*~

Brendon Urie hands her a brightly colored, rainbow-hued flyer at the end of school. She takes it without reading it, and pushes down the steps at the front of school with everyone else.

It's only when she gets to the bottom that she takes a better look—it says _Gay-Straight Alliance_ , and underneath there's lots of pictures of people holding hands and smiling at each other with a border of tiny rainbows. It's kind of lame. It's also incredibly late in the school year for a new club to be starting up.

Ashlee's heart is beating hard and fast. She bites her lip and looks back up towards the open doors—she'd had her head down before, and she hadn't noticed that it wasn't just Brendon handing out flyers. Spencer Smith is there too, badgering everyone who comes out of the door to take a pamphlet. In fact, the whole rugby team is there, belligerently demanding that every student take one. They all have pins on their shirts or on their backpacks, a rainbow with Gay _-Straight Alliance_ written over the top. The rugby team's involvement would probably explain why a new club was allowed to start up so close to the end of the year.

She thinks about going back and seeing if they have a pin she could have. She doesn't know where she'd wear it, but she kind of wants one, a lot.

"We're having our first meeting a week on Monday after school," someone says to her, and when she turns around, it's Brendon Urie, clutching a stack of pamphlets and looking hopeful. "You should come along."

"I don't know," she says, and she tries to sound as nonchalant as she can manage, but her heartbeat is really loud in her ears. She's pretty definite that she's a lesbian, but she's not sure she's okay with everyone _else_ knowing that too. She's not sure if going to a meeting of the Gay-Straight Alliance is the same as telling everyone that she'd rather kiss girls. "I have dance class on Mondays."

Brendon shrugs. He looks a little downcast, but he tries to hide it, pasting on a smile. "That's okay," he says, brightly. "If you ever don't have dance class, you should come, though. The more the merrier."

She swallows, and ducks her head. "I guess," she says. When she looks up, Brendon's already scanning the other students, seeing who hasn't got a flyer yet. Spencer Smith and the rugby team seem to be grabbing everyone, though, and Ashlee can't see anyone for Brendon to give a pamphlet to. "Tom Benson's a dickbag," she says, quickly, before she loses her nerve. She's never really talked to Brendon before, and certainly not about the guy who shoves Brendon into lockers.

Brendon's brow furrows, and he shoots a quick, complicated look in Spencer Smith's direction. Ashlee looks too, but Spencer Smith is busy forcing every student who comes out the main doors into taking a pamphlet, and he's not close enough to have overheard. "What?" Brendon says, quietly.

"He's a dickbag," Ashlee says again, tilting her chin up. "He dates my sister and I hate him. You shouldn't let him push you around."

Brendon blushes. "I don't," he says, but Ashlee can tell he's lying. She ducks her head again, embarrassed.

"I really like that you wear that shirt," she says, quickly. It's the shirt that says, _my boyfriend's the flyhalf_. "And I think that it's great you're setting this club up."

"Thank you," Brendon says. "You should really try and come along."

Ashlee nods. "I want to," she says. "I'll see." The pamphlet is hot and crumpled in her hand, and she does want to, she really does. Her dance class on Mondays doesn't start until five, anyway. "Well. See you, I guess."

Brendon smiles at her, and he bumps his elbow against hers. "He is a dickbag," he agrees. He waves at her before turning back around.

Ashlee wraps her arms around herself and watches as Brendon pushes his way back up the steps and ducks under Spencer Smith's arm. Spencer kisses the top of Brendon's head and Brendon laughs, leaning his head on Spencer's shoulder. Something flips over in Ashlee's stomach and she bites her lip, wishing she was as brave as Brendon.

 _Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian_ , she thinks, and looks down at the crumpled pamphlet in her hand.

~*~

Tom Benson really is a dickbag, because he breaks up with Jessica on Friday half way through the rugby game.

Ashlee drags Jessica into the girls' bathroom and hugs her while she cries. Ashlee really hates Tom Benson.

"I really thought he might be the one," Jessica tells her, in between sobs, and Ashlee knows that Jessica really, really did.

"I know, baby," she says, softly, and hugs her even tighter.

"I wouldn't let him take my bra off," Jessica says, pulling away to wipe her eyes on some toilet paper. "He broke up with me because I wouldn't let him touch my boobs."

Ashlee tugs open her purse to find the Kleenex she has hidden away. "Here," she says, handing it over. It'll be softer on Jess's skin than the toilet paper. "He's a douchebag."

Jessica sniffles miserably. "I know," she says, sadly. "But I really liked him."

"He pushes Brendon Urie into lockers," Ashlee says. "He's a douchebag. You deserve someone a hundred times nicer than Tom Benson. A _thousand times_ nicer."

Jessica looks upset. "He does?" she says. She shakes her head. "Brendon's really sweet."

"He is," Ashlee agrees.

"He'd be a good boyfriend."

"I think he already is a good boyfriend," Ashlee reminds her, because it isn't like there's a single person left in the whole school who doesn't know that Spencer Smith is totally in love.

Jessica giggles, and wipes her eyes with the Kleenex. "Why can't I meet nice guys like them?" she asks.

Ashlee shrugs. She fumbles in her purse for the pamphlet she's been carrying around since yesterday. "They're starting a new club," she says, and hands over the crumpled flyer. She swallows down her nervousness and points at the meeting time. "I thought maybe we should go."

Jessica turns it over, and reads it carefully. "Are you sure?" she asks, doubtfully.

"Yep," Ashlee says, deliberately not biting her lip.

"But, I don't know." Jessica shrugs. "Won't it be full of—"

"Gay and straight people," Ashlee fills in. "I think we need nicer people in our lives. We should go. There are going to be snacks. It's a mixer." The last part is made up. She's pretty sure it's not going to be a mixer. She wonders if Cassadee is going to go.

"I love mixers," Jessica says. Her face crumples. "I met Tom at a mixer."

Ashlee sighs, and pulls Jessica into a hug. "Why don't we drive home by the video place," she says. "I'll let you pick."

"Yeah," Jessica says, in a small voice. "Love you."

"Love you more," Ashlee says, and she holds on tight for a little longer than she normally does.

~*~

Ashlee plucks up the courage to sit next to Cassadee in drama class. She carefully slides the Gay-Straight Alliance pamphlet inside her notebook, and then opens it far too quickly so that it falls out, fluttering to the floor right underneath Cassadee's seat.

"I'm sorry," she says, gesturing down. "Could you—I dropped that."

Cassadee picks it up, and gives it a quick glance over.

"Are you going?" Ashlee asks, quickly. "It starts next Monday."

Cassadee shrugs. "Maybe," she says. Her fingernails are pink, and turquoise, and glittery. Ashlee wants to take a closer look, and maybe take Cassadee by the hand. "School stuff isn't really my thing."

"Mine either," Ashlee tells her. "But it could be fun."

"I guess."

"I'm going," Petey says, sitting down next to Ashlee and Cassadee.

"That's great, Petey," Ashlee says, as sarcastically as she can manage, and she tries to stifle the urge to push her away. Petey's always in her face, always just _there_. It's really, really annoying. Almost as annoying as Petey's stupid swooshy hair. "Why don't you go sit someplace else?"

"It's not Petey," Petey says. "It's Pete. Pete."

Ashlee wrinkles her nose up. "It always used to be Petey," she says. "And isn't Pete a boy's name?"

Pete shrugs. "I grew up," she says. "Petey sounds like a kid. And no, it's not just a boy's name. It can be a girl's name too." She looks hurt, and for a second, Ashlee wants to apologize. She doesn't, because Pete is annoying, and always has been, even back when she was ruining Ashlee's field trip to the Natural History Museum. "It's Pete now. And anyway, can't Ashlee be a boy's name too?"

"Not spelled like this," Ashlee tells her, frustratedly. "Why won't you just leave me alone?"

Pete's face falls, and she shrugs, reaching for her backpack. "Never wanted to sit here anyway," she says, under her breath. Her cheeks are flushed.

Inexplicably, Ashlee feels bad. She ducks her head.

"I think she likes you," Cassadee says, leaning in and whispering in Ashlee's ear. Her breath tickles Ashlee's jaw, and Ashlee's heart speeds up until it's a fast and heavy beat, pulsing beneath her skin.

"She does not," Ashlee says, blushing red. Cassadee's smirking at her, pushing the blonde streak in her dark hair behind her ear and grinning.

"She likes you," Cassadee sing-songs.

Ashlee can't shake her head fast enough. "She just likes bugging me, is all," she protests. The flush in her cheeks won't go away though, because Cassadee is _talking to her_ , actually _talking_. Although Cassadee clearly thinks that Ashlee is embarrassed about Pete liking her, which is _stupid_ and Ashlee can't say no long enough and hard enough for Cassadee to understand. "She does not."

"I think she does," Cassadee says, leaning in again and whispering in Ashlee's ear. "Is that why you're going to that club? To talk to Pete?"

" _No_ ," Ashlee says, fiercely, because it really isn't, and in her dreams she might think about Cassadee kissing her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's ready for Cassadee to just _assume_ she's a lesbian. "I just think it's a nice idea. An alliance."

Cassadee hums. "I guess," she says. She flicks a glance over Ashlee's shoulder, and Ashlee can't help but turn around. Pete Wentz is sitting in the back corner, staring at them both and looking angry. When she sees them both staring, she flushes bright red and ducks her head. "I think it's cute," Cassadee confides, as if Ashlee is her _friend_ or something. Ashlee's skin burns. "Pete's got a crush."

"She's been bugging me since the second grade," Ashlee says, because Pete has. "She's just a pain in the ass, nothing else." She thinks maybe she said that part too loud, though, because a couple of kids the other side of Cassadee turn around and stare. She thinks Pete must have heard too, and she looks down, embarrassed. This really isn't how she imagined talking to Cassadee might go.

"I guess," Cassadee says, again, doubtfully. "She seems pretty into you, though. She's always trying to sit next to you and she's always staring."

"How'd you know that?" Ashlee asks, stung.

Cassadee taps her nose. "I notice things," she says, with a little smile. Ashlee's stomach turns over. She has such a crush, it's ridiculous. Cassadee has noticed _her_. If she wasn't so embarrassed about Pete, Ashlee would want to laugh out loud.

"Right, kids," Ms. Elliott claps her hands. "Partners, please. We're going to be playing some trust games today."

There's a collective groan from everyone in the room, but Cassadee just leans over and elbows Ashlee. "Want to pair up?" she asks.

Ashlee tries really, really hard to swallow down the smile that's threatening to split her face in two. "Okay," she says, as if it isn't the best thing that's ever happened to her in high school. "Sure. If you want."

~*~

At the end of class, Pete bumps into her so hard she drops her books.

"Asshole," Ashlee says, under her breath, because Pete doesn't even stop to apologize. She just rushes off down the hallway and around the corner, and Ashlee's left scrabbling around on the floor to collect her belongings, her cheeks burning red.

~*~

On Friday night, Jessica brings her new boyfriend home to meet Daddy.

Ashlee paints a smile on and shakes Kurt's hand, even though they've seen each other around school for years. Jessica's boyfriends always act like they've never seen Ashlee before, and secretly Ashlee never really knows how to take that. She knows that she's not exactly popular in school, but she doesn't think she's as invisible as Jessica's boyfriends always make out. Maybe it's just that she's not exactly throwing herself at the boys in school. She doesn't know, but it sometimes sort of makes her sad. Kurt is on the rugby team, and Ashlee isn't surprised when he acts like he's never seen Ashlee before in his whole life.

"And where are you two heading tonight?" Daddy asks.

Jessica hooks her fingers through Kurt's. "I don't know," she says, happily. "Kurt's going to surprise me."

"I don't like surprises, young man," Daddy says, but he tacks a smile on at the end so that Jessica's boyfriend thinks it's a joke. Daddy does that a lot.

Ashlee rolls her eyes and curls up in the corner of the couch with her Nintendo DS.

"We're going to go for dinner at Luigi's," Kurt says, covering Jessica's hand with his own. Luigi's is the cheesy pizza restaurant at the other side of the mall, the one near the movie theater. Ashlee hates the pizza there and Jessica only ever orders a side salad because their mom yells at them whenever she hears they've been near a stuffed crust. Ashlee doesn't know why Jessica never just says that she'd prefer to go someplace they could have a burger, but she never does. "And then Creation is having an all-ages night," Kurt goes on. Creation is the club the other side of the movie theater. It has a DJ and once a month hosts an all-ages Friday night, and the whole school goes. Except for Ashlee. Ashlee's never been. "I thought I would take Jess there, sir, and then drive her home."

"If I hear you've been drinking, or giving my daughter alcohol," Ashlee's daddy says, jovially. He doesn't finish his sentence, and Ashlee concentrates on her DS. Her daddy can be seriously scary.

"Never, sir," Kurt says, seriously. Jessica's boyfriends always say that, but Ashlee knows about the time Tom Benson tried to slip Jess vodka, and the time when Deepak Patel stole a crate of wine coolers and took Jess back to his place. If Ashlee had to base her opinion of boys purely on the ones that Jessica brought home to meet Daddy, then she'd be forced to believe that all boys were shitty. Luckily she knows that Jess just brings home really crappy boyfriends. There's got to be a guy out there who is going to like Jess for who she is, and not just for her boobs and awesome figure, but Jess has really shitty taste in men. Ashlee hopes that some day she wises up and doesn't say yes to dates with the guys who just want to try and take her clothes off.

Kurt holds Jess's purse and when they all go outside to the porch so that Daddy can wave Jess off, Kurt makes a big deal out of holding the car door open so that Jess can climb inside. Ashlee rolls her eyes, but Daddy says that it's nice that there are still some gentlemen around to date his daughters.

Ashlee definitely, definitely, definitely does not think about bringing a girl home to meet the family.

~*~

Ashlee dresses carefully on Monday, because it's the day of the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting, and she's a lesbian and it _matters_ to her, this day. She doesn't really know why, since it's not like she's going to go along to the meeting and say, _Hi, my name is Ashlee and I want to kiss girls_ , but the fact that the Alliance exists and that it's been set-up and she can be a part of it, well. It matters to her.

"You look nice," Jessica says, coming into the bathroom while Ashlee's brushing her teeth.

Ashlee spits in the sink and says, _thank you_.

"Is that dress new?" Jess asks, switching on her flat iron. She smoothes a hand over Ashlee's hip. "It looks really nice on you."

"It's that one we bought, you remember?" Ashlee says. She squeezes out more toothpaste on to her brush, because dental hygiene is important and it can't hurt to brush twice. Jessica looks puzzled. "On sale. I was going to wear it to that dance. The _Under the Sea_ one. But I didn't go." Ashlee never goes to dances. She never has anyone to go with. She stays at home and sneaks ice cream out of the freezer when her mom isn't looking. When her mom _is_ looking, she paints her nails instead, and pretends like she isn't hungry.

Jess remembers, Ashlee can see it in her face. She bought a rocking pink dress that day, and matching pumps. Jeremy Anderson dumped her that night because he couldn't put his hand up Jessica's skirt.

"That guy was a douche," Ashlee says, and brushes her teeth again.

Jess nods, clearly remembering Jeremy the douchebag. "Kurt's nice, though, don't you think? He didn't try to put his hand down my shirt or anything."

 _Yeah,_ Ashlee thinks. _Real nice_. "He's a rugby player," she says, in between brushes.

"He is," Jess agrees. "He wants to take me to the Gay-Straight Alliance thing after school. You said we should go, right? I said yes."

Ashlee deflates. She'd wanted to go with Jess, and have someone to sit beside. She's scared to go by herself. "Yeah," she says, and watches as Jess rests her flat iron on the edge of the counter, leaning in so she can apply lipstick and make a kissy-face in the mirror. She spies Ashlee watching, and smiles, happily.

"It'll be fun," Jess insists. "We can all sit together. It'll be like a mixer."

"Sure," Ashlee says, because today feels important to her in a way she really can't put a name to just yet. "Like a mixer."

~*~

Ashlee's early to her drama class, and she stands in the doorway for a moment, trying to figure out where to sit. If she sits in the back, where she normally sits, she'll have to sit near Pete Wentz, but if she sits in the front, it might look like she thinks that her and Cassadee are friends, when Cassadee's never given her any indication that that might be true. Ashlee hates making a fool of herself.

"Hey," Cassadee says, coming in after her and bumping her elbow. "Nice dress."

"Thanks," Ashlee says, delightedly. She schools her face into something less ridiculously starry-eyed and doesn't feel bad about following Cassadee across the classroom and sitting down beside her. "Are you going to come along this afternoon?"

"To the gay-straight thing?" Cassadee asks. She has her backpack on her knee, and Ashlee can't help but be envious. Cassadee's backpack is an Eastpak one, and Ashlee really likes the plaid design. She's wanted one for herself for ages, but she only has purses. She'd asked Daddy for one for her last birthday, but he'd got her a Yves Saint Laurent purse instead, which is nice but less useful for putting her pens in and taking to school. Cassadee's customized hers by stitching band tags to the material, and Ashlee _really_ wants to do that. She hasn't even heard of half of the bands. There's a My Chemical Romance pin next to the zipper, though, and at least she's heard of _them_. "I think so. My friends are into it, anyway. So, probably."

Ashlee nods. "Yeah, me too," she says, even though she's already told Cassadee she was going. Cassadee looks amused.

"Good," she says, and she takes her iPod out of her backpack. She's obviously looking for something. "Here, hold that, will you?"

Ashlee holds her hand out, and Cassadee dumps the iPod down into it, a tangle of wires. Ashlee carefully starts winding up the earbud wires, unknotting them and wrapping them round the iPod. There are stickers on the back of the case, and a scratched out engraving of Cassadee's name. "Cool iPod," she says, thinking about her frosted iPod Nano in her purse, and how there aren't any stickers on it, or cool engravings. Maybe there's a place in the mall she can get it done.

"Yeah," Cassadee agrees. "Shit. I think I left my pen behind in algebra. Can I borrow one?"

Ashlee rummages in her purse and comes out with a purple ball-point pen. "Here," she says, and their fingers brush as she hands it over. Ashlee's stomach flips, and she has to busy herself in her purse so that Cassadee doesn't see how flushed she is.

"Thanks," Cassadee says. "And thanks for fixing my earbuds, I don't know how they get so tangled up."

 _Because you don't wind them up_ , Ashlee thinks. She's really neat about stuff like that. She has to follow Jess around and make sure that she doesn't leave her iPod someplace stupid, like in the movie theater or the lunch line at school. Jess isn't exactly careless with her belongings, but she tends to lose track of stuff. Ashlee doesn't mind looking out for Jess, because Jess looks out for her, too. She thinks she's lucky that she's so close to her sister; she always feels really sad for those kids who don't get on with their siblings.

"So," Cassadee says, as Ms. Elliott shushes them all and starts to explain about how they all have to pretend to be something they see first thing in the morning. "I'll see you later, then? At the Alliance?"

"Sure," Ashlee says, and she has to concentrate really hard on pretending to be a tube of toothpaste so she doesn't show everyone how happy she is.

~*~

It's only at the end of class that Ashlee realizes that Pete never showed up. She was in homeroom, staring moodily at Ashlee across the classroom, but she must have skipped drama class. Ashlee rolls her eyes. At least it's one less person being an asshole in class.

~*~

Ashlee's last period English class goes on _forever_ , and the teacher keeps them back after the bell rings to talk about homework. She ends up having to rush right across campus to get to the drama room in time for the start of the Gay-Straight Alliance.

She's almost too scared to go inside, because the room is a mass of people, talking and laughing and shouting, and it's _hard_ to just walk on in all by herself. It shouldn't be a surprise that there are so many people here, not when Spencer Smith and the rest of the rugby team were involved in rounding up students to participate, but it still _is_. Being a lesbian is a part of her that's still kind of mixed up and quiet and kind of private; it's weird to think about the possibility of it being a part of something else, something _bigger_.

She almost turns right back around and walks back into the hallway, but someone tugs on her sleeve and says, _hey_.

It's Brendon Urie, standing by the doorway and looking jumped up and nervous. "Hey," he says, again, grinning. "Are you coming in?"

Ashlee finds herself shrugging. "Yeah," she says, in a small voice. She knows that the rest of the room are probably here just because the rugby team told them they had to be, but she isn't. She's here because it means something to her, and she's _scared_. "I mean. I think so."

Brendon smiles at her, and touches her elbow. "Are you okay?" he asks.

She nods, and tries not to show her trepidation on her face. "Yeah," she says.

He nods. "Do you want a pin?" He has a box full of them, all different rainbows and slogans. Some of them say, _Change Our School_ , and _Beyond The Binary_. That one confuses her, so she goes for the one that says _Equality For All_ above a rainbow. "Good choice," he says, and he laughs, awkwardly. "It'll be okay," he says, and Ashlee doesn't know what he's saying is going to be okay, but it helps, just a little.

She makes a big deal about attaching her pin to her cardigan, and then she plasters on a smile, like the ones she wears when she goes on stage at her dance recitals. "Thank you," she says, and then, "Good luck. With the meeting, I mean."

He grins at her. "Thanks," he says, and then he breaks into a huge smile when he sees Spencer Smith jogging down the hallway.

"Oh my _god_ ," Spencer says, completely ignoring her and walking right up to Brendon. "I almost got a ticket. Like, apparently having a Gay-Straight Alliance to start isn't a good enough reason for trying to run a red light. Stupid physiotherapy appointments."

Brendon rolls his eyes. "You are so almost-dumped," he says, but he just looks relieved. "You had better make this up to me. You almost missed the start."

"It is not my fault I have a stupid knee and need stupid physiotherapy," Spencer says. "Here, let me wear a pin. We've only spent all week making these and not making out." He looks aggrieved. "You never said there would be less making out when we started all of this. I would have remembered that part."

"Shut up," Brendon says, and Ashlee ducks her head, hiding her smile. She slips into the drama room, and behind her, she hears Brendon say, "I will make out with you like crazy, I promise. Just as soon as we've implemented social change."

Spencer snorts. "You're so hot when you get all revolutionary," he says, and Ashlee bites her lip to keep from laughing. Across the other side of the room, she spies Jessica, sitting with Kurt and looking engrossed in whatever Kurt's telling her.

"Ash," someone calls, and she spots Pete Wentz sitting about three rows back, waving at her. There's a seat free next to her, and Pete's patting it, like she wants Ashlee to go sit beside her or something. Ashlee makes a face, and shakes her head _no_. Pete's face falls, but Ashlee doesn't waste her time trying to figure out why Pete's being so weird recently, because she sees Cassadee sitting at the back, by the wall with all the posters on from all of the drama society's shows.

She stands on her tip-toes, and waves. Cassadee can't help but see her, because Ashlee is standing right at the front of the room. Cassadee smiles, and waves her over.

Ashlee feels happy, right down to her toes.

There isn't a seat next to Cassadee, so Ashlee has to stand, leaning against the wall. She doesn't mind, though, because Cassadee's smiling at her and saying _hi._

"Cool pin," Cassadee says, pointing to Ashlee's cardigan.

"Thanks," Ashlee says. "Which one did you choose?"

Cassadee shows Ashlee her backpack. There's a _Beyond the Binary_ pin attached right in the middle at the front.

"Cool," Ashlee echoes, even though she still doesn't really get it.

"Oh, hey," Cassadee says. "You don't know my friends, right?" Cassadee waves her hand down the row. Cassadee's friends are all guys, and they're all _cool_. Ashlee suddenly feels really stupid in her dress and cardigan and her pin she was so proud of two minutes earlier. "That's Alex, at the end, then Mike, and this doofus is Jersey." They all wave, and Cassadee ruffles Jersey's hair and then Jersey ruffles hers right back. "Idiot," Cassadee says, affectionately. "Guys, this is Ashlee. She's in my drama class."

Jersey grins. "You have to pretend to be a flat iron too?" Cassadee had picked that for her 'first thing in the morning' item earlier.

"Something like that," Ashlee says, awkwardly. She feels weird, standing up at the back like this. Pete keeps looking back at her, and Ashlee doesn't like the hurt look Pete's wearing on her face. There's still an empty seat next to Pete, one of the only ones in the room.

"Uh-oh," Cassadee says, looking at Ashlee. "Looks like you've upset Pete Wentz, coming to hang with us."

Ashlee shrugs. "She's just being an idiot, is all."

Cassadee grins. "She has a huge crush on you, you mean."

Ashlee shakes her head. "She does not, stop saying that." She keeps staring at Cassadee's nail polish—it's different to the pink stuff she was wearing earlier in the day; Cassadee must have applied the purple sparkly polish during their lunch period. She looks down at her hand and thinks about Cassadee's fingers next to hers.

"Oh, really?" Jersey leans over, and grins. "What's the gossip, spill, come on."

"No gossip," Ashlee says, shaking her head. She knows she's going pink, but she can't help it.

Cassadee leans in conspiratorially. "Pete has it _bad_ , you guys. She follows Ashlee everywhere."

"She does _not_ ," Ashlee protests, embarrassed.

"She _does_ ," Cassadee goes on. "And Ashlee says this has been going on since the second grade."

"She tripped me up on the school field trip to the Natural History Museum," Ashlee says, red-faced. She sneaks a glance at Pete. Pete is pretending to be engrossed in her magazine, but Ashlee knows she's listening. She blushes harder.

"That's really cute," Mike says. "She really did pull your pigtails."

"She didn't," Ashlee says, because she feels mean. She feels really mean. Cassadee laughs, and puts her hand on Ashlee's wrist.

"We're only teasing," she says. "It's cute she has a crush on you. You don't mind, do you? I mean, that's why we're here, right?"

Ashlee swallows, and doesn't know what to say. She's here because she's a lesbian, and someday she wants to tell people and have it be okay. "No," she says, awkwardly. "It's fine." She means it's fine to have a crush on another girl, not that it's true that Pete does or anything. She doesn't mean it's okay that Pete has a crush on her, which she _doesn't_. Cassadee's got it all wrong.

Cassadee's mouth curves into a smile, and she shifts over so that there's half a seat free for Ashlee to sit down on. Ashlee perches on the edge and feels a strange mixture of excitement at sitting so close to her, and embarrassment at being so stupid. "Do you -" Cassadee starts, but then Ms. Elliott claps her hands and starts to introduce herself as faculty adviser for the Gay-Straight Alliance.

Ashlee's left wondering what Cassadee was going to say.

~*~

The Alliance meeting goes just fine. It's exciting, being a part of it.

Jon Walker takes lots of pictures, kneeling down at the front of the room as Brendon stands in front of everyone and points at his slides for his Powerpoint presentation. Ms. Elliott jumps in when she wants to clarify anything, but mostly it's Brendon showing slides that say things like _Our School Should Be A SAFE SPACE!_ and _Tolerance is Awesome!!!_. Ryan Ross must be covering it for the school arts magazine, because he has a seat in the front row, and he's concentrating very hard on his notebook. He has one of those pens with the light on the end, even though they're not meeting in the auditorium and all the lights are on. Ashlee admires his dedication. She's never read the arts magazine, although she saw the issue that everyone was photocopying and emailing, the one where Ryan Ross took the entire center page to ask Jon Walker out on a date. _Everyone_ saw that issue.

There's a funny part in the middle of the Alliance meeting where they discuss words that are unacceptable, and Brian Scholtz hits himself in the forehead half way through and says, "Shit, _that's_ what fudgepacker means?" and everybody laughs. Ms. Elliott laughs too, but she's quick to say that that's one of the terms that people shouldn't be using.

Brendon is really enthusiastic, and at the end of the meeting, after they've finalized plans for a big opening mixer at the end of the following week, he is elected club president without any real opposition. When you have the full and united backing of the rugby team, it's easy for everything else to fall into place. Brendon is red-faced and beaming, though, so it isn't as if anyone minds that it's basically a shoo-in.

There are supposed to be drinks and snacks after all the formalities are done with, but Ashlee needs to get to her dance class. Anyway, she doesn't want to have to push through all the rugby players to get to the chips and peanuts, and it isn't like she can actually _eat_ any of them anyway. She heaves a sigh, and readies herself to leave.

"I have to go," she says regretfully to Cassadee, who is busy having a thumb war with Jersey. "I have dance class."

"Oh, awesome," Cassadee says, without letting go of Jersey's hand, even though they pause proceedings so that Cassadee can grin at Ashlee. "I didn't know you danced."

Ashlee nods. "Yeah, kind of a lot," she says, which is still an understatement. "So. I'll see you?"

"Yeah," Cassadee agrees. "Oh, and you should totally give me your number, these guys are total losers half the time." She laughs, and pushes the boys when they kick up a stink. She hands over her phone and Ashlee types in her number with shaking fingers.

 _This is it_ , she thinks.

"Awesome," Cassadee says, taking her phone back. "Hang on, I'll call you so you've got mine, too."

Ashlee's bag buzzes as her phone starts to ring, and she's so used to answering her phone when it rings that she makes an abortive half-lunge for her purse.

Cassadee laughs. "I do that too," she says, cutting off the call with her thumb and sliding her phone into her backpack.

Ashlee nods in embarrassment. "Okay," she says. "So, uh. I'll see you?"

"Yeah," Cassadee says, and Ashlee ducks her gaze and heads for the door.

"See you," Pete says, meanly, when she walks past.

Ashlee shoots her a wounded look. She has no idea what Pete's problem is, but it's getting old.

Brendon waves at her from across the room. He's hand in hand with Spencer, earnestly explaining something to a cute sophomore with blue spiky hair. Spencer's watching Brendon with a dopey smile on his face, which is all Spencer ever seems to do, other than play rugby. It's sweet. Ashlee waves back, and then hurries over to where Jessica's waiting, with Kurt.

"You'll be late," Jess says. She never wears a watch, so she must have checked Kurt's.

"Not if we rush," Ashlee says. She looks between Jess and Kurt. "You can still give me a ride, right?"

"Sure we can," Jessica says. "I'll come back and meet Kurt afterwards, right?"

Kurt doesn't exactly look happy about it, but he nods his agreement.

"Bye, then," Ashlee says, and Jess leans in and rubs her nose against Kurt's before kissing him on the lips.

"See you later, sweetie," she says.

Ashlee doesn't know whether to laugh or barf. She's never even kissed anyone on the lips, she's such a loser. She thinks about kissing Cassadee, and Jessica has to elbow her to make her hurry up.

Ashlee smiles, thinking about Cassadee, and she trails after Jess down the hallway. She's so lost in her own thoughts she has to jog to catch Jess up.

~*~

"So," Ashlee says, when Jess has pulled out of the senior parking lot and into the street. She feels buoyed up from the Alliance meeting; she wants to go out and change the world, and outlaw heteronormativity and promote equality for all. She wants to use the word _heteronormativity_ every day of her life. She feels empowered. "Kurt."

Jessica smiles. "Isn't he great?" she says. "He bought me lunch today."

Ashlee can't smile back. She's so tired of seeing her sister be treated so badly by boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. Jess deserves someone a million times better, someone who likes her and respects her and won't try and push her into having sex before she's ready. "What did he buy you?" Ashlee asks, because she doesn't really know how to address how she thinks Kurt is going to be a bad boyfriend who'll make Jess cry. Ashlee hates it when Jess cries.

"A sandwich," Jess tells her. "Tuna salad. And chips."

Ashlee rolls her eyes. Jessica hates fish and she barely eats chips. "You don't like either of those things," she points out, because she has to start somewhere.

"I like Doritos," Jessica says.

"Did he _buy_ you Doritos?"

"No, he bought me Cheetos. But it was still real kind, right? He's a sweetheart."

Ashlee makes a face. "Jess," she starts. "Look, I'm not trying to, I don't know. Make you mad. Or sad. I hate it when people make you sad."

"What's up, sweetie?" Jess asks, looking over as they pull up at a stoplight. She looks concerned.

"I want you to have a really awesome boyfriend," Ashlee says.

"I know, Ash," Jessica says. "You're really sweet."

"No," Ashlee says. "I'm not. I want you to have an awesome boyfriend, okay, and I'm pretty sure awesome boyfriends don't buy you a whole lunch that you can't actually _eat_. Did he ask you what you wanted? Or what you liked? Or didn't he care?"

Jessica furrows her brow. "But he was being _nice_ , Ash."

Ashlee shrugs her shoulders, making a face. "Was he?" she asks, doubtfully. "Are you sure?"

Jessica bites her lip. "I don't know," she says, finally. "Do you think he wasn't being nice?"

"I think you deserve a guy who treats you right," Ashlee says. "I hate seeing you upset and I don't want you to settle for some guy who isn't amazing."

Jessica doesn't say anything for a while.

Ashlee leans back in her seat and stares out of the window. She's driven down this street so many times she can barely remember what it is that she can see by the side of the road. It's all gotten blurred over the years. She re-attaches her Alliance pin so it sits a little straighter. She likes things neat.

"Do you think I should break up with him?" Jess asks.

Ashlee doesn't know. _Yes_ , she thinks, but she doesn't say it because she doesn't want to be the one that upsets her sister. "Maybe," she says. "If you want to." She waits a minute.

Jessica nods. "I guess," she says, and when they get to Ashlee's dance school, Jessica picks up her purse and follows Ashlee inside.

"What are you doing?" Ashlee asks.

Jessica shrugs a little awkwardly. "Can I stay and watch you dance today?"

Ashlee thinks about Kurt, waiting for Jessica back at school. She feels a little bad, but not bad enough to tell Jess to go back and meet him. "Yeah," she says, and slides her hand into the crook of Jess's elbow. "Sure you can. It'll be great."

Jess smiles at her, but her eyes look a little sad. Ashlee hates it when Jess looks like that, but she reminds herself that the people who tend to make Jess look like that for days at a time are usually her really shitty boyfriends, of which she's almost one hundred percent sure that Kurt is one. She's just making things _better_ for Jess, and if there's one thing Ashlee's learned from dancing, it's that you don't achieve anything without at least a little pain along the way.

"Awesome," Jess says, and if she sounds a little like her cheerfulness is faked, she's at least doing her best to hide it. Ashlee tucks her hand into the crook of Jess's arm, and they go up the stairs to the practice rooms, and Ashlee's dance class.

~*~

It's a couple of days later when Ashlee's phone beeps in the gap between first and second period classes, and when she checks her messages, there's a new text from Cassadee.

 _do u wanna go 2 the mall after school? Please!!!_

Ashlee's heart leaps. _Sure, meet u outside?_ she texts back. She has dance class, but she can totally cut it, just this once.

She feels happy for the rest of the day, and even Pete Wentz' sullen gaze following her around everywhere she goes isn't enough to dampen the spring in her step.

~*~

She writes _I think she likes me back_ in the margin of her notebook in English class, then has to tear the page out and rip it into tiny pieces without the teacher seeing.

She smiles for the rest of the class.

~*~

Cassadee has a really old car, like Kat has in _10 Things I Hate About You,_ and she still has a tape deck rather than a CD player. There's a box of tapes in the footwell, and Cassadee tells her to take a look through and pick something awesome for the journey to the mall. They're mostly bands that Ashlee's never heard of, but she doesn't want to admit to being a total idiot.

"Uh," she says, finally. "I don't know. What's good?"

Cassadee grins. "This one," she says, reaching for a bright pink cassette tape covered in stars. It turns out to be Madonna, and Ashlee knows all of these. Jessica thinks Madonna is the most amazing person in the world.

Cassadee knows all the words, too, and they sing along to Vogue and Holiday and her version of American Pie, all the way to the mall.

Ashlee doesn't think about the ballet class she's missing at _all_. She's having too much fun. _Maybe it'll be today_ , she thinks, and imagines her first kiss.

Jess texts her as they pull in to the parking lot. _did u get to dance ok??? tutoring is really hard! cu later sis x_

Ashlee smiles, and texts her back. Her sister is getting extra tutoring in algebra from this clever kid called Wallace. Ashlee secretly thinks that Wallace might be the perfect guy for Jess. He's geeky and smart and Ashlee's seen enough teen movies to know that Wallace should be the unlikely hero. Plus, it's about time Jessica found a nice guy after breaking things off with Kurt, even if it does mean that Ashlee is supposed to find her own way to dance class two nights a week.

 _Got here fine_ , she lies, _gud luck with math! xxx_

Ashlee never lies to her sister, but right now all she can think about is Cassadee. When they get out of Cassadee's car, Cassadee slips her arm into Ashlee's.

"Oh my _god_ ," she says, "it is such a relief to come shopping with someone who _actually likes it_. Jersey hates it, unless we spend like, eight hours in the computer game store. I like games as much as the next guy," she goes on, "but like, eight hours is way too much. And those boys like Hot Topic way more than any dude should, you know?" She laughs, and Ashlee laughs too, even though she's not listening closely enough to actually know what Cassadee's talking about. She's too busy thinking about what the two of them look like, arm and arm and laughing as they walk into the mall. "Jersey bought this really cool nail polish last time we were here," Cassadee goes on. "It's totally awesome but he won't let me use any of his, so we have to go and get me some, okay?"

Ashlee nods. "Sure," she says, and she bites her lip. "Lead on."

Cassadee laughs. "You're so cute," she says. "Come on."

Ashlee can't help it; she laughs out loud.

~*~

Shopping with Cassadee is a lot of fun. She likes all the stores Ashlee never goes in with Jessica, so Ashlee comes out laden down with nail polish and this really cute t-shirt with cookies on the front, and a handful of bracelets that jangle as she walks. She finds an awesome dress with a big red belt, and when she tries it on in the fitting rooms, Cassadee sprawls across the couch in the waiting area and claps her hands together when Ashlee pulls the curtain back and strikes a pose.

"That is _awesome_ ," Cassadee tells her. "You have to buy it."

"You think?" Ashlee asks. She stands on her tip-toes, imagining that she's wearing pumps, and smoothes it down over her stomach. Her mom tells her that she's inherited the Simpson ass, but Ashlee doesn't know what she's supposed to do to actually, you know, fix that. She's inherited the Simpson nose, too, but at least Daddy's promised her a nose job for her eighteenth birthday. It's why she's still relying on Jessica for rides everywhere, because getting a nose job has to count for two birthdays, and not just one. "You don't think it makes me look fat?"

Cassadee rolls her eyes. "No," she says, without even looking. Jessica would have tilted her head to one side and looked, at least. "Not at all."

Ashlee glows. She changes back into her normal clothes and hugs her new dress to her chest, taking a deep breath before she goes back outside to where Cassadee's waiting.

"Are you going to buy it?" Cassadee asks. "It looks really great on you."

"Yeah," Ashlee nods, biting her lip. "Yeah, come on."

~*~

After they've waited in the slowest line ever for the register, Ashlee's ready to flop. "We need to go get coffee," she says, decisively. With Jess, they go for milkshakes and fries that they don't tell their mom about, but with Cassadee, Ashlee wants to appear more grown up. "Cappuccinos?"

Cassadee makes a face. "Cappuccinos, yuck," she says. "I only like coffee if it's iced. That place down by the Disney store has frappuccinos, do you want to go there?"

"Sure," Ashlee says. She doesn't know much about coffee. Her daddy likes espressos, and they have an espresso machine in their kitchen that only Daddy is allowed to touch.

"Awesome," Cassadee says, and Ashlee hugs her new purchases to her chest, and follows Cassadee into the food court.

The line in the coffee shop is even longer than the one in the dress store, but Ashlee is so excited about actually getting to sit down and hang out with Cassadee that she doesn't mind the wait. She wonders what the difference between hanging out with Cassadee like this and going on a date to the mall is, because she can't figure it out. Kissing, maybe, that's the only thing that she can think of that might be different.

When it gets to be her turn, she gets a little flustered and orders a cappuccino even though she was going to get one of the iced coffees that Cassadee says are so good.

"Awesome," the barista says, without bothering to smile. He takes her money and hands her her change and directs her to the end of the counter to wait for her drink.

The girl making the drinks is Pete Wentz.

Ashlee's smile falls as soon as she realizes. She glances back up the line to where Cassadee's still ordering her drink.

Pete sees her and blushes bright red. "Hi," she says. She bites her lip, and her hair falls in her eyes.

"Hi," Ashlee says, shortly. She can feel herself flushing too, and this is not what she wants, oh gosh. She hates how embarrassed she is, and she hates how Pete is just _staring_ at her from behind that stupid swooshy hair. Pete uses her flat iron way too much and her hair is always too fine and too straight. Ashlee wants to style it up a bit, like in the magazines. She swallows, because she hates it when she thinks too much about Pete Wentz's hair, and mumbles, "Mine's a cappuccino."

"Oh," Pete says. "Right."

Ashlee can't think of a single thing to say, and the seconds stretch out like minutes as she watches Pete make the drink for the person in front of her in the line. Pete is concentrating really hard, because she doesn't look up, not once. Ashlee's been brought up to be polite and this feels like torture to her, even if Pete is way, way down the list of people she wants to talk to in the world. Ashlee's left staring at her, and she can't help but notice that Pete's wearing really heavy eyeliner. Ashlee knows if she wore that much her daddy would tell her she looked like a panda. She wonders if Pete uses a thick pencil to apply it, or if she just adds a million layers with a thin one like the one Ashlee owns. Her lashes are really thick, too.

"Pete Wentz," Cassadee says, with a grin, dumping her change into her wallet and nudging Ashlee with her elbow. Ashlee tries not to jump. Cassadee leans over the counter and stands on her tip-toes to see better. She has, Ashlee realizes, freckles all over her nose. "I didn't know you worked here."

Pete's mouth flattens out into a frown. "Yeah," she says. "I didn't know you two were hanging out, now."

"Yeah," Cassadee says, nodding. "We're buds now, Ash and me."

Pete nods. "Oh," she says. "Great."

"Awesome," Cassadee echoes. "You should come sit with us. Do you have a break coming up?"

Ashlee kicks Cassadee in the ankle. "Cassadee," she hisses.

Pete looks between the two of them. "Just come off it," she says, after a moment. She sounds tired. "One cappuccino, one frappuccino. Have a good day." The last part is fake and put-on.

Ashlee bites her lip and ducks her head. "See you," she says, because her daddy brought her up to be polite.

"Yeah," Pete says, tiredly. "See you."

"What was all that about?" Cassadee asks, poking Ashlee in the small of her back with her drink. It's all cold, and Ashlee wriggles as she heads for the table furthest away from where Pete is, still making drinks at the counter. "Pete seems like she could be cool to hang with."

"Nothing," Ashlee says. "She bugs me."

"She has a crush on you," Cassadee says, for what seems like the millionth time.

"She does _not_ ," Ashlee says, exasperatedly. "Look, she's been driving me crazy since _Elementary School_. Pete Wentz is a pain in the ass, okay?" She says it maybe louder than she meant to, and she winces when she see Pete flush pink. She lowers her voice. "She was a pain when we all had to call her Petey, and she's a pain now we have to call her Pete, which is stupid, okay? It's a _boy's name_."

Cassadee raises her eyebrows. "Okay, okay. I get it." She shrugs. "You don't like her. I was just trying to do what they told us to at Alliance," she goes on. "She's got a crush on another girl, I was just telling her it's okay, that's all."

Ashlee deflates. "I—" she starts. She doesn't know what to say. "I don't hate her because she might be gay," is what she goes for in the end. "She's just a pain in the ass. She wears too much eyeliner, and her hair is stupid. Like. Really stupid."

Cassadee shrugs again. "It's okay. It must be weird. She has like, this huge crush on you. It would have been weird, having her sit here with us, I get that. I just thought it could be cool, you know. To hang with her."

"Her hair is _really stupid_ ," Ashlee says, again. She steals a glance up at the drinks counter again. Pete ducks her head really quickly. "And she's always _looking at me_."

"You're always looking at her," Cassadee says, but she's smiling.

"Am not," Ashlee says. "Look, I am really, really okay with her having a crush on a girl, okay? Like, really okay." She feels desperate inside, and maybe kind of sweaty, too. Her heart's beating too fast. "I really couldn't be more okay with her having a crush on another girl." _Is this it_ , she thinks. _Am I coming out?_

"Yeah," Cassadee says. "I guess that's what that Alliance stuff is all about. Tolerance, right? Like Brendon Urie said. Tolerance is awesome."

"No," Ashlee says, carefully, because she feels confused right now. Really, really confused. "I am really more than okay with girls liking other girls." She looks down at her nails, and stares really hard at her nail polish.

Cassadee's eyes widen. "You mean -" she says, finally.

"Yes," Ashlee says, just as Cassadee says, "Do you like Pete Wentz back?"

" _No_ ," Ashlee splutters. "No."

"But you like girls, right?" Cassadee says. "That's what that meant."

"Yeah," Ashlee says, "But not _Pete_. Pete is weird. I don't like Pete." _I like Cassadee_ , is what she meant. She wills Cassadee to understand.

Cassadee fiddles with her cup. "Do you—" she bites her lip. "Do you just like girls?" she asks. "Or do you like boys, too?"

"I like girls," Ashlee says, in as low a voice as she can manage without whispering. "Just girls."

Cassadee nods, quickly. "That's great," she says. "Awesome."

Ashlee chews at the inside of her cheek. She does that when she's stressed out. Her orthodontist yells at her because she always has bruises on the inside of her cheeks when she's worried. She literally has no idea how to deal with this situation, or what this situation actually is, or why she's so pissed that Pete won't stop looking over, or why she's all confused about what she thought was going on between her and Cassadee.

"It's really cool that you could tell me that," Cassadee says, stirring her straw in her coffee. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Ashlee says, self-consciously. She feels so weird, and so strange. She kind of thought that Cassadee _knew_. "I thought—" she starts, but then they're interrupted by the arrival of Cassadee's friends Mike and Alex, and Cassadee's high-fiving them and asking them what the hell they're doing here.

"Come to see you, haven't we?" Mike says, but he winks at Ashlee as he says it. Ashlee smiles back, awkwardly. She wants to shrink into the corner and pretend today never happened. She definitely wants to pretend this whole trip to the coffee shop never happened. Pete Wentz is still staring at them, and oh my god, that girl is so weird. Ashlee can't figure her out. She stops trying, making an exasperated face in Pete's direction.

Pete colors and turns away.

Ashlee ducks her head and stirs her cappuccino. She doesn't like it much so she stirs in a sachet of sweet n' low. She doesn't feel very sweet, all of a sudden.

"No, really," Cassadee says. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Finding my mom a birthday present," Alex says, holding up a bag.

Mike waggles his eyebrows. "Your _mom_ ," he says.

Alex punches him in the side. "Sorry about him," he says, to Ashlee. "He's got all the maturity of a mango."

"Do not," Mike says. "You do."

Cassadee rolls her eyes. "Where's Jersey?"

Alex grins. "Detention," he says.

Cassadee frowns, checking her watch. "Still?"

"He's grounded," Mike says. "Had to go straight home."

Ashlee ducks her head and stirs her coffee. She doesn't like the taste, and she wishes she was anywhere but here. She hadn't given all that much thought to what coming out would be like, but in her head it hadn't been like this. She searches in her bag for her phone, and thinks about texting Jess to see if she can come pick her up and take her home.

Her phone rings just as she finds it, which is weird. It's Jessica, and Ashlee answers it, shaking her head in apology to Cassadee and Cassadee's friends. "My sister," she mouths, and Cassadee nods. "Jess?"

"Wallace _felt me up,_ " Jess tells her, and she's crying. "I dropped my pen, and I had to kneel on the floor to reach it, and he had his _hand on my ass_."

Ashlee feels sick. "What happened?"

"I hit him with my algebra text book," Jessica says, through her tears. "Then he stopped."

"Did he touch you again?" Ashlee asks, as calmly as she can manage. She wants to punch Wallace in the face.

"No," Jess says. "But it was _so gross_ , Ash. I thought he was a nice guy, and he was really patient with me over this math stuff, and, and. How come all the guys I meet are such douchebags?"

"I don't know," Ashlee says, softly. "I'm so sorry, Jess."

Jessica sniffs, sadly. "Where are you? Can I come get you?"

"At the mall," Ashlee tells her. "Do you want to come get me? We could stop by the video store on the way home."

"Sure," Jessica says, sniffling. "I'll meet you out front? Ten minutes?"

Ashlee nods. "Yeah," she says. Then, because she feels guilty because she thought Wallace was a good guy, she apologizes again. "I'm sorry, Jess."

"S'okay," Jess says. "I'll see you in a few, okay?"

Ashlee puts the phone down and wants to cry. Nothing about this afternoon is going to plan.

"You okay?" Cassadee asks, in an undertone. Mike and Alex are fighting loudly about some band or other, Ashlee isn't listening.

"Yeah," Ashlee says. "My sister's upset, so I've got to go."

Cassadee smiles, sympathetically. "Yeah," she says.

Ashlee wants to cry. She nods, anyway, and starts to gather her stuff together. She doesn't want the rest of her cappuccino. She's going to stick to milkshakes and Diet Coke from now on.

"Hey," Cassadee says, and then she's wrapping her arms around Ashlee's back and hugging her. Ashlee can't breathe. "Thank you for telling me," Cassadee says, in a whisper. "And, you know. Call me if you need to."

Ashlee nods, trying not to meet Cassadee's eyes. She feels so confused. "Thanks," she says, and then she gives the guys as bright a smile as she can manage. "I have to go," she says, "but you guys have fun, now."

They grin at her, and Alex holds his hand out for a fist bump. Ashlee echoes it, awkwardly.

Pete's watching her from over the coffee counter, and Ashlee bites her lip and walks on by without saying anything.

~*~

"What are you going to wear to the party tonight?" Cassadee asks, dropping down into the seat beside Ashlee at the start of drama class on Friday.

Tonight is the night of the Gay-Straight Alliance Opening Mixer. It's all anyone in the school can talk about, and there are posters everywhere and seriously _everybody_ is going. The theme is Tolerance, Acceptance and Dignity, which apparently is code for a dance where you don't need a date to show up. Brendon Urie was overheard saying that even _he_ didn't have a date for the dance, which was amusing to everybody else, especially when Spencer Smith found out and was—apparently—outraged. Ashlee had been getting her books out of her locker when Spencer had stormed down the hallway saying really loudly, "Oh my god, are you going to the dance with someone else now? Is that it? Do I need to punch somebody?"

And Brendon had rolled his eyes and said, "You know what helps? _Asking me to go with you,_ " before storming off in the other direction. The rumor mill had it that Spencer Smith had stood on the bannister at the top of the stairwell at the end of school and stopped everything and shut everyone up so that he could ask Brendon to the dance. Ashlee wasn't convinced, because the rumor mill _also_ said that Spencer Smith and Brendon Urie had gone to a roller disco for their first date, which Ashlee didn't believe at all. Nobody she knew had seen Spencer Smith clamber on to the bannister and brandish two tickets to the dance, and nobody she knew had seen Brendon Urie yelling at him for risking the glory and the victory of the rugby team by standing on a rail so far above the ground when he had an injured knee. Ashlee thought the last part especially was a lie, since Brendon Urie didn't seem the type to be that concerned about the rugby team, but the next time she'd seen the two of them in the hallways, Spencer had been wearing a t-shirt that said, _I'm with him—-_ > and at least six pins advertising the Gay-Straight Alliance.

"Ashlee?" Cassadee says, bumping Ashlee's elbow with her own to get her attention. She's been really attentive ever since Ashlee told her that she was a lesbian. Ashlee secretly hoped that that meant that Cassadee liked her back, and was just building up to holding her hand. "I asked you what you were wearing tonight. Are you with us?"

Ashlee smiles, and ducks her head. "The dress I bought with you," she says. "Sorry, I was in a world of my own. "

"I get like that when I'm writing songs," Cassadee says. "You should totally come see my band play. When we get a show, whatever."

Ashlee bites her lip. "Yeah," she says. "Yes, that would be nice, thank you."

"Awesome," Cassadee says. "We're all going together tonight, me and Mike and Alex, and uh, Jersey. We could pick you up and you could ride with us? We could find room for your sister, too, if she doesn't mind squeezing in."

"I'm getting a ride with Jess," Ashlee says, disappointed. She is really pissed that she can't get a ride with Cassadee, but since Jessica broke up with Kurt there really hasn't been anyone new on the scene, and Ashlee doesn't want Jess to have to go to the dance by herself. Jess is kind of antsy about guys after the whole Wallace thing, which Ashlee still hasn't finished beating herself up about. She is so done matchmaking, for real.

Behind them, Pete Wentz clears her throat, loudly, but when they turn around, she turns it into a cough. "Don't mind me," she says. "Frog in my throat."

"Hmm," Ashlee manages, because Pete is looking at her weirdly. She's wearing more eyeliner than normal, and when she lifts her hand to push her hair behind her ear, there's ink all down her arm. "Oh my, did you get a tattoo?"

Pete looks down her at her arm, and then across at Ashlee. The picture on it reminds Ashlee of something she's seen, but she can't remember where from. "Uh, no. Not yet. Going to get this inked, though. My friend Andy knows this place where I can get it done before I'm eighteen. They don't ask for ID. It's awesome. He drew this this morning to show me how it's going to look."

"Oh," Ashlee says. She squints at the image, and imagines what her daddy would say if she came home with a tattoo all down her arm like that.

"Is that from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_?" Cassadee asks. She squints at Pete's arm, and then circles Pete's wrist with her fingers. Ashlee's stomach twists. "Yeah, Jack Thingy?"

"Skellington," Pete says, and it's as animated as Ashlee's ever seen Pete. "I love that movie, it's totally my favorite."

"Yeah," Cassadee says, nodding. "It's cool. Getting inked is cool."

Ashlee's never seen the movie, but she's seen all the purses and t-shirts and wrist bands and backpacks that people wear. "Is it good?" she asks, doubtfully.

"Only the _best_ ," Pete tells her. "You should see it. I could lend you the DVD if you wanted -" she trails off, and scowls. "I mean. You probably don't want to."

Ashlee shakes her head, quickly. She remembers the Alliance, and how scary it was to walk into the room by herself. She should totally try harder at making Pete feel better about her lesbian crush, even if it is awkward and weird for her to think that it's directed at _her_. "No, I do," she says, and her stomach feels really weird. Pete stops frowning and starts smiling instead when she realizes that Ashlee isn't actually giving her the brush off. Ashlee would feel really bad about all the other times she's shut Pete down, except for how Pete is really weird and even her hair is stupid. "That would be great."

"Awesome," Cassadee says. "Everyone should see that movie."

Now Ashlee _has_ to see it. She smiles.

Pete frowns. "I'll bring it in for you," she says, and slumps down in her chair.

Ashlee makes a face. Pete is too weird for her to figure out, half of the time.

~*~

The party is _awesome_. Ashlee hasn't exactly been to that many school dances—okay, none, pretty much - but she figures that this must be better than any of those stupid Under The Sea dances she's avoided all the time she's been in high school. The decorations are all rainbow colored, and Brendon Urie must have gotten a pretty huge team of volunteers involved, because there is glitter _everywhere,_ and banners and streamers and a long punch table decked out with rainbow tablecloths. Hardly anyone is dancing as part of a couple, and as a result the dance floor is overcrowded and loud, with everybody dancing with groups of their friends.

Ashlee's already danced six dances with Cassadee and her friends. As the dance floor gets more crowded, Ashlee ends up bumping elbows with Cassadee, and every time they touch Ashlee has to stop herself from smiling too hard. Cassadee keeps laughing, and doing really stupid dance moves that Ashlee copies. She loves expressing herself through dance, and being on the dance floor is normally one of the only places that she really feels like she's communicating how she's feeling. It's not the same this evening, though, not cramped in the school gym with bodies everywhere and everybody making tons of noise. She sticks to careful, small movements, and stays close to Cassadee. She laughs over the noise.

In the corner, Pete's leaning against the folded-back bleachers with her arms folded. She's in jeans and a shirt; she's clearly taken the no dress-code guidelines to heart. Ashlee bites her lip and looks away. She wonders whether Pete's gotten inked yet, and whether she's still got the marker pen all up her arm, or whether her parents made her wash it off, like hers would have done.

"Hey," Cassadee says, leaning over and whispering loudly in Ashlee's ear. "Have you seen Jersey anywhere?"

Ashlee shakes her head. "No," she says. "Why?"

Cassadee stands on tiptoes, her fingertips splayed across Ashlee's shoulder. "He's disappeared," Cassadee says, looking everywhere on the dance floor. "Did you see where he went?"

"No," Ashlee says. "I didn't see." She wasn't watching Jersey. She barely knows the guy. Cassadee's wearing a black mini-dress with Converse high-tops; her purple eye-shadow matches her nail polish. She's had her hair cut again, and she has blonde highlights now, not just a streak, and an asymmetrical feathered bob. She looks really pretty.

"Come with me to find him," Cassadee says, taking Ashlee's hand.

In the corner, Pete straightens up, and her face falls. Ashlee swallows, and looks away, her heart beating fast. Her hand is in Cassadee's. Her palm is probably sweating. She wants to pull away and wipe her hand on her skirt, but she doesn't.

Cassadee leads Ashlee off the dance floor and out into the hallway.

"What are we doing?" Ashlee says, breathlessly. She wants to push Cassadee back up against the lockers and kiss her, over and over. Cassadee's lipstick is pink and glossy. She wants to kiss it off.

"Looking for Jersey," Cassadee says, looking up and down the hallway.

"Maybe he's in the bathroom," Ashlee suggests. There's sweat in the hollow of her back. Her hand is still in Cassadee's, but Cassadee doesn't seem to notice. Ashlee bites her lip.

"No, he's been gone too long," Cassadee says. "Do you think he went off with someone?"

"Someone?" Ashlee says, carefully. Her heartbeat is loud in her ears.

"Another girl," Cassadee says, desperately. "Shit."

Ashlee swallows. "I didn't see," she says. She really, really didn't see.

"Fuck," Cassadee says. "Fuck, this is all my fault." She pulls her hand away from Ashlee's and runs her fingers through her hair. Ashlee wants to stop her, because she's ruining her hairstyle. It won't fall right if she pulls it back like that.

"What is?" Ashlee says, in as normal a voice as she can manage.

"There he is," Cassadee says, in relief, ignoring Ashlee. She heads off down the hallway to meet Jersey, who's coming in the fire door from outside. Ashlee's left following, because she can't not. "Jersey!"

"Shut up," Jersey says, shushing her. He's clearly kept the fire door open by shoving one of his shoes in the gap to keep it from closing, and if any of the teachers see, he's going to be in tons of trouble. When Ashlee gets close enough, she can smell cigarette smoke.

Jersey uses her shoulder to keep his balance as he puts his vans back on. "I didn't know where you were," Cassadee says, falteringly.

Jersey rolls his eyes and leans over to ruffle her hair. "You're cute," he says, "but annoying. I was having a smoke. It's still allowed, right? Or are you going to follow me into the bathroom as well?"

Cassadee does her best to laugh that one off. "Ha, no. You can go pee without me, whatever."

Jersey makes a face. "Awesome," he says. "I'll, uh. Yeah. Go do that."

"Great," Cassadee says, beaming and bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Go do that. I'll be, uh. Here." She waits until the door to the boys' bathroom closes behind him before she slumps back against the lockers, hands over her eyes.

"Oh my _god_ ," she moans. "I am the world's biggest loser. Could I be more of a fucking loser? Could I be more _obvious_ about liking him? Ashlee, seriously. Could I?"

Ashlee is pretty sure that's the sound of her heart breaking, right there in the hallway by the fire exit.

"Ash?" Cassadee says.

There's a single moment that stretches on and on, and it's the moment where Ashlee's eyes fill with tears and she tries to swallow them down but she just _can't_. She just can't. Instead she turns away and hurries down the hallway, clutching her purse to her chest, ducking her head so that nobody can see her start to cry.

"Ashlee," Cassadee says, coming after her and grabbing her by the arm. "Ashlee, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ashlee lies, trying to pull away. She looks the other way so that Cassadee can't see her cry. "I, uh. I have to go. I'll see you."

"You're _crying_ ," Cassadee says, in bewilderment. "You're upset. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," Ashlee says, and she wrenches herself away, because if Cassadee touches her one more time she's just going to break down and she's not going to be able to stop herself. Cassadee likes Jersey. She doesn't like Ashlee at all. She likes _Jersey_. Ashlee got it all wrong. "Leave me alone," she says, when Cassadee tries to talk to her again.

Ashlee doesn't want to be here anymore.

She runs down the hallway and pushes past people to get to the doors. She runs down the steps and out in to the parking lot and over to the bike racks. She wraps her arms around herself and starts to cry, kicking herself for being so stupid and thinking that Cassadee could like _her_.

She's got nowhere to go. Jessica's still inside and Ashlee doesn't even have her coat. She left it inside on the chairs by the punch table, her Gay-Straight Alliance pin proudly attached to the pocket.

She cries harder, remembering how happy she'd been, getting ready to come out tonight. She'd been so excited, and so _sure_. There has to be a tissue in her purse somewhere. She leans on the bike closest to her and fumbles through her purse, but her hands are shaking and her belongings scatter on the floor as she tries to find her pack of Kleenex. Her wallet and her key and her cell phone hit the ground with a smack. Her mirror cracks from side to side and her tube of lip gloss rolls away under the bikes. It's dark and she can't see it anywhere. Who brings their _bike_ to a school dance, anyway? Stupid ecologically-minded high school of _stupid-ness_. She kicks the bike closest to her. She's in open-toed sandals and it hurts, kicking the tire. She swears under her breath, and hops on one leg. This whole night is a disaster. She tries to wipe her eyes on her arm, but she can't stop crying and she wants to go home.

"Ashlee? Are you okay?"

Ashlee spins round. She wants it to be Cassadee, but it isn't. It's Pete. "Go away," Ashlee says, turning around again.

"You're crying," Pete says, awkwardly. "I can't go away if you're upset."

"You can," Ashlee says, fiercely. She sniffs, and remembers what her daddy says about not crying in front of people. It's hard to stop, though, because her heart feels so sad. She feels so stupid.

"Yeah, but, I can't," Pete says. She rummages in her pocket, and holds out her hand. "Here," she says.

Ashlee doesn't turn around. "What is it?" she asks.

"A tissue," Pete says. "It's clean. Well. I wiped my lip gloss off on it, but that's it."

Ashlee tries to smile. "That's not clean," she says. She hiccups, trying not to show how upset she is in front of Pete. It's worse, maybe, being upset in front of her. She wipes her nose on the back of her hand.

"I can go get fresh ones," Pete says, uncertainly. "From inside. Or we could go inside. We could sneak into one of the classrooms -"

"No," Ashlee says, quickly. "No, your tissue is fine." She sniffs, and her breath hitches.

"Here," Pete says, and she's right next to Ashlee now, offering Ashlee her scarf. It's purple plaid, and Ashlee takes it because she's shivering and she doesn't know what to do.

"I don't know what to do," she says, breath hitching, and then her face crumples and she's crying again, only this time it's worse because she feels like an idiot, _and_ she's crying in front of Pete Wentz.

Pete wraps an arm around her and lets Ashlee cry on her shoulder. Ashlee hates Pete seeing her when she's being this stupid, but she's too upset to stop crying, and too far gone to stop feeling stupid any time soon. Instead, she lets Pete hug her, and she rests her cheek against Pete's shoulder and cries.

"Cassadee likes _Jersey_ ," Ashlee says, into Pete's shirt. Pete stiffens a little, but she doesn't pull away. She tightens her arm around Ashlee's neck.

"Cassadee must be blind and stupid then," Pete says, and Ashlee wants to contradict her and tell her that's she's wrong, but there's no point. Cassadee likes someone else. Her phone rings and when she looks down it's Cassadee's name flashing on the tiny screen. "Shut _up_ ," she says, desperately, and switches her phone on to silent. She cries harder, and Pete hugs her, rubbing Ashlee's back in slow circles. It's weirdly comforting.

"Are you done?" Pete asks her, a few minutes later.

They're sitting on the wall just by the bike racks, and Pete's arm is around Ashlee's shoulders.

Ashlee hides her face in Pete's shoulder, too embarrassed to meet her gaze. She nods, instead, and sniffs. When she sits up, she looks the other way, back towards the school. There's no one hanging out in the parking lot, and they're all by themselves. "Yeah," she says, sniffing again and wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I guess."

Pete leans over and straightens her scarf around Ashlee's neck. "You're shivering," she says, when Ashlee looks at her, a little bewildered.

Ashlee shakes her head, but Pete just knots the scarf tighter.

"There," she says. There's a breeze, just a little one, and Pete bites her lip as she smoothes Ashlee's hair behind her ear.

Everything is suddenly very, very still.

Pete leans in and presses a kiss to Ashlee's forehead.

"What was -" Ashlee manages, but she can't finish her sentence because Pete's mouth is suddenly on hers, unexpected and weird and not what she wants. This is her _first kiss_ and this isn't how this evening was supposed to go. This isn't what she wants. Not like this. She shoves Pete away, and wipes her mouth on the back of her hand. "Fuck you," she says, and she's crying again because nothing about this evening is going the way it was supposed to. "Just _go_ away and leave me alone," she says, throwing her purse at Pete's head.

"Ashlee, I'm _sorry,_ " Pete says, desperately, and it sounds like she's going to cry too, but Ashlee doesn't care. She really, really doesn't care.

"Just go away," she sobs, and she leans forward and hides her face in her hands.

When she looks up a minute later, Pete's gone and the parking lot is deserted.

~*~

Jess finds her after a while, and pulls Ashlee into a hug, tight and warm.

"What happened, baby?" Jess asks, and then, "Do I need to beat somebody up?"

Ashlee shakes her head, and tries not to cry anymore. She's freezing cold and shivering, and she'd made her knee bleed kneeling on the floor to try and find her missing lip gloss in the mess of the bike racks. "Can we just go home?"

"Sure," Jess says, but she sounds concerned. She rubs at Ashlee's arms to warm her up. Ashlee feels like she's never going to be warm again. She's in such a mess. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Ashlee says. She always tells Jess everything. This time she doesn't even know how to start. Her heart hurts and she wants to go home and climb under the covers and stay there until it all goes away.

Jess fumbles in her purse for her Kleenex, handing her pack over. "Come on," she says, and she slips her hand into Ashlee's. Her skin is warm in comparison to Ashlee's. "Let's go get you cleaned up."

"No," Ashlee shakes her head, refusing to move. She doesn't want to go inside the school, where she might see Cassadee or Jersey or Pete. She can still feel Pete's kiss on her lips, and it feels weird. Too weird. She hates Pete.

"You can't go home to Daddy like this," Jess says, worried. "You know what he's like when he thinks we've been crying."

Ashlee knows. She also knows she's not going back inside the school, not ever if she has her way. "I'm not going in there," she says, obstinately, refusing to move.

Jess thinks for a moment. "How about we go to the diner," she suggests. "We can fix your face in the bathroom, and you can tell me which boy made you cry and then we can get hot chocolate."

Ashlee nods, slowly. Jessica is right; they can't go home without Ashlee cleaning up. She's sure she must have cried all her make up off. She wonders if Jess will be able to figure out just by looking that Ashlee's kissed a girl. "Okay," she says, in a small voice.

Jess lets out a sigh of relief. She wraps her arms around Ashlee's shoulders and pulls her towards the car, and away from the dance.

~*~

As they drive out of the parking lot, Ashlee sees Pete Wentz leaning up against the wall. Ashlee bites her lip and can't look away. In the dull warmth of the street light, Pete looks tearful and wide-eyed. Her hair's a mess and she's watching Ashlee drive away with a desperate, fierce look on her face.

Ashlee feels a strange twist in her chest, and she looks back as Jessica takes the turn out into the street, watching Pete until they're around the corner and Pete's out of sight.

~*~

"What's his name?" Jessica asks. Ashlee's perched on the edge of the counter in the bathroom at the diner, and Jessica is wiping her face with a damp tissue, smoothing away the streaks of mascara and eyeliner from Ashlee's cheeks.

Ashlee can't meet her eyes. She looks down instead, concentrating on her knees. One of them is a little bloody, and she dabs at it with a paper towel.

"Seriously," Jess says, and she touches Ashlee's chin with the crook of her finger, nudging Ashlee's gaze back up to meet hers. "No boy gets to make my little sister cry. I'm going to punch him in the face."

Ashlee tries to smile, because her sister is kind of amazing, and Ashlee loves her a whole lot. She doesn't relish telling Jessica the truth. "What—" she starts, but she doesn't know how to follow that up. "What if it wasn't a boy?" she says, finally.

Jessica looks confused. "Did you have a fight with a girlfriend?" she asks. Jessica is one of the sweetest, kindest people that Ashlee's ever known, but she's maybe not the smartest.

"Not with a girlfriend," Ashlee concedes. She curls her fingers around Jessica's slim wrist, and feels her pulse beneath her fingertips. Her mouth is suddenly dry. "With someone I _wanted_ to be my girlfriend."

Jessica doesn't say anything for a moment. "I don't understand," she says, finally. Ashlee thinks she does, really. She just doesn't want to.

"I'm a lesbian," Ashlee says, softly. Her heart is hammering in her chest, so loud it feels like the whole world could hear it, if only they took the time to listen. "I like girls."

"You can't," Jess says, stupidly.

"Why not?" Ashlee asks. She wants to cry again.

"I would have _known_ ," Jessica says. "You'd look—" she doesn't finish her sentence.

A tear slides down Ashlee's cheek, followed by another, and another. "I'd look _what_ ," she says.

Jessica swallows. "Nothing," she says. "You'd look, nothing. You'd look just like you do now."

Ashlee chokes back a sob. "I really liked her, Jess," she says, because she's too upset to wait and see if Jessica is taking the news well or not. She figures that if she keeps talking Jessica won't have time to react badly, and Jessica _can't_ react badly. Ashlee needs her too much. "And I thought she liked me too, but she didn't. I got it wrong and she liked someone else the whole time. And then Pete _kissed me_ and I pushed her away." She starts to cry in earnest, because saying it out loud is such a relief. She remembers the way Cassadee had grabbed her arm, and how she _hadn't known_. Ashlee had been so sure that she'd known how Ashlee felt about her; figuring out that she'd got it wrong for so long was maybe more embarrassing then her breaking down and crying in the school hallway when she'd realized Cassadee's crush was on Jersey, and not her. She remembers Pete hugging her close and kissing her forehead, and how that had felt. Her stomach felt weird. Everything felt weird. She wanted to go home and have this whole stupid night be over.

"I know," Jessica says, hesitantly. She smoothes Ashlee's hair behind her ear. "You looked so pretty tonight, Ash."

"It wasn't enough, though, was it?" Ashlee says, and then she's crying in earnest again, and Jess looks frozen for a moment, like a rabbit caught in the headlights, before she's wrapping her arms around Ashlee's shaking shoulders and holding her close.

Jessica makes soft, calming noises against Ashlee's hair but she doesn't try to make her stop crying. Ashlee isn't sure she could have even if she'd wanted to, but it feels like such a relief to just let go and have someone hold her.

It's a few minutes before she sniffles into a tissue and declares herself done.

Jess smiles, wanly. "Come on," she says, tucking her hand into Ashlee's. "We'll hide in the corner and get hot chocolate, and then we'll come back in here and I'll fix your make up and we can go home. How's that sound?"

"Good," Ashlee lies. Nothing sounds better to her than her own bed, and pulling the covers over her head and pretending that nothing else exists in the whole wide world apart from her and her own heartbeat, but Jess is trying. "Good," she says again.

Jessica wraps her arm around Ashlee's shoulder. "It'll be okay," she says, and, "that girl is an idiot for not liking you back."

Ashlee leans into her side for a moment before following her out into the bright lights of the diner.

~*~

They get home and inside without Daddy seeing them. Their mom is stretched out on the couch, reading a magazine, with the shopping channel on in the background. She says, without looking up, "Did you have a nice evening, girls?" and they both say yes, even though it isn't exactly true.

"That's good," she says. There's a mostly empty bottle of wine on the end table by the couch, and Ashlee can't help but wonder if her daddy helped her mom drink that, or if she did it all on her own. She doesn't want to think about it.

"I'm going to go shower," she says, because anything is better than just standing here and doing nothing. "I'll come down to say goodnight before I go to sleep."

"That'll be nice, honey," their mom says.

Jess squeezes Ashlee's shoulder, just for a moment, her face sympathetic. "Go on," she says, and she adds in an undertone, "take as long as you need."

Ashlee feels a flash of irritation, which she then feels pretty shitty about. Her sister is _trying_ , and she's doing her best to be kind and supportive, which is _great_ , so why Ashlee wants to scream and shout and stamp her feet she just doesn't know. She clenches her fists and does her best not to show her frustration and her fear and her anger and her sadness. She thinks she does a pretty good job until she gets upstairs and into the bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror.

Then she cries, and she turns the shower up high to drown out the sound of her sobs, because _nothing_ has gone how she planned it, _nothing_ , and Cassadee doesn't want her and Pete _does,_ and none of it is fair.

~*~

She sleeps badly, and in the morning, Jessica takes one look at her face and tells their mom that she's taking Ashlee out for the day.

Daddy's already left for work, and their mom is clearly pissed that Daddy is working _another_ Saturday, so she doesn't ask them about homework, which is good because Ashlee hates lying and she has a _ton_.

"Where are you two going?" she asks Jess, instead, because Jess is already gesturing towards the door.

"Oh, you know," Jess says. "The mall, a manicure, then the movie theater. We've got a whole day planned."

"That's nice," their mom says, her mouth a grim line. "You two should both buy something pretty. Heaven knows your daddy's working hard enough, I'm sure he can afford the extravagance."

"Sure thing, Mom," Jessica says, brightly. "You have fun, now."

Ashlee sometimes wonders if Jessica is really that good at pretending everything is all right, or if she's just oblivious to the tensions that stretch across their family like thin, taut threads. Sometimes she thinks that Jessica really isn't that good an actress, but sometimes there's an edge to her smile, just a glimpse of something that suggests that Jessica knows just what's going on. Ashlee doesn't want to think about it, not really, and instead she heads upstairs to change into something other than her oversized nightshirt and Piglet slippers.

~*~

Ashlee is kind of sure that this day out Jess has planned is going to be a total bust, but by lunchtime she's ready to declare it a win. They both already have new clothes - Jess a pair of high-waisted shorts that Ashlee can't quite figure out whether she likes or not, and Ashlee a pair of skinny black jeans and a purple plaid shirt. She's spied some sandals in the window of the shoe store, too, gold ones with purple jewels across the bridge, and if she can persuade Jess to go in to Hot Topic, there's a cool black hat, like a Trilby, somewhere in the back of the store near the nail polish. She'd spotted it when she'd been shopping with Cassadee, but hadn't gotten to take a look.

 _Cassadee_. It still hurts, whenever she thinks about her. It's a burn of embarrassment and humiliation across her chest, the realization of how _wrong_ Ashlee was to assume that Cassadee liked her back. She can't stop thinking about Jersey, about how Cassadee always looked at him, and about how obvious it must have been to everyone that Cassadee wanted to date _him_ and not Ashlee.

Ashlee feels really dumb, and she thinks that's the worst part of it all, how _stupid_ she feels. Stupid and ridiculous and like a total loser.

"Hey," Jess says, elbowing her. "You still with me?"

"Sure," Ashlee lies, and she stops short because they're standing right outside the coffee place - _Pete's_ coffee place, and Ashlee is suddenly overcome with the memory of Pete's lips on hers, the way Pete had wrapped the scarf around Ashlee's neck because she'd been cold and upset.

Jess looks puzzled. "Do you want to get coffee, or something? Because the place that does those awesome chicken wings also has Diet Coke." Jessica lives for Diet Coke, Ashlee knows that. Neither of them drink coffee, particularly. And they _were_ on their way for wings.

"No," Ashlee says, but she stands on her tiptoes, trying to see if Pete is working the coffee bar, like before. She looks for Pete's dark, swoosh-y hair and her thick eyeliner and her stupid, annoying, ridiculous face. She can't see her, and her stomach feels weird.

"Do you see someone you know?" Jessica asks, confusedly. She rests her fingertips on Ashlee's shoulder and tries to peer down the coffee line, looking for someone Ashlee might recognize.

"No," Ashlee says again. She shakes her head, and doesn't try to figure out what that strange, unfamiliar, heavy feeling in her stomach might be. "There's nobody." She tucks her fingers into the crook of Jessica's elbow. "Let's go get wings."

Jessica's face brightens perceptibly. "Yeah," she says. "Awesome."

~*~

"So," Jess says, wiping her fingers on her napkin. They've eaten a platter of wings between the two of them, and Ashlee is already feeling guilty about the calories. "So, this, uh. This _lesbian_ thing." She whispers the last part, and Ashlee is torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to cry. "Are you sure about it?"

Ashlee thinks about Pete's lips on hers. "I'm sure," she says, softly.

"But how can you be _sure_?" Jess asks. There's a tiny, confused furrow in between her brows. Ashlee wonders if they've got time to their eyebrows threaded before the movie starts. There's an awesome little store down by the smoothie place that does the best eyebrow shaping.

"I just am," Ashlee says, with a shrug. She doesn't want to talk to her sister about how thinking about a girl's curves gets her all hot and bothered and thinking about a boy does precisely nothing for her whatsoever. She just wants her sister to get it without Ashlee having to explain.

"Huh," Jess says. She wets her finger and slides it around the edge of the plate, picking up the remains of the barbecue sauce and licking her finger clean. "It's just." She stops. "I can't imagine not wanting to kiss _guys_ ," she confides, leaning in a little closer. "Don't you want to get married, Ash? Get married and have babies and have a husband?"

Ashlee wants to get married and have babies. She just doesn't want the husband part. Her family isn't exactly pro-gay marriage, and she's pretty sure Jessica's never given it a second thought. She shrugs, awkwardly. "I don't _not_ want to get married," she says, finally. "I just want to date girls, that's all." Her mouth feels dry, and she tangles her fingers in her lap. "I want to marry a _girl_ , Jess."

"Huh," Jessica says again, puzzled. "Can you even do that?"

"Sure," Ashlee says, although she doesn't know exactly where or how. "In some places you can. Boston, I think."

"Boston's cold," Jess says. "You remember when we went to visit Aunt Bella?"

Ashlee rolls her eyes. Their mom's Aunt Bella was bossy and kind of rude and drank gin in the mornings and never let their daddy get a word in edgewise. Ashlee secretly liked her a lot, even though she was intimidating and scary, and her house had been pretty cold. "Yeah," she says. "You can marry girls, Jess. I want to marry a girl."

Jessica nods. "I know, sweetie," she says, and she leans over and touches her hand to Ashlee's arm. "You'll still be a bridesmaid at my wedding, right?"

Ashlee laughs. "Yes," she says. "I'm pretty sure there's no law saying lesbians can't be bridesmaids."

"That's good," Jessica says, seriously, and Ashlee honestly has no clue whether Jess is joking or not. It turns out it doesn't matter so much, because Jessica is smiling at her and offering Ashlee the last fry, and really, none of the rest of it matters so long as Jess isn't mad at her.

"Come on," Ashlee says, refusing the last of the fries. "If we get going now, we can get our manicures before the movie starts."

Jessica's face relaxes into an easy grin, none of the forced friendliness of earlier. "Awesome," she says. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," Ashlee says, leaning over to pick up her purchases, the bags too many for one hand. It isn't like the events of Friday have stopped being humiliating and embarrassing, or like her heart has stopped aching, but something eases a little with Jessica's acceptance of Ashlee's sexuality. If she could just figure out what was going on inside her head with Cassadee and Pete, she'd be good. That's too much for her to figure out right now, though, so she takes one last slurp of her Diet Coke and turns to leave. "Let's go."

~*~

Cassadee is waiting for her outside school on Monday morning. Ashlee sees her out the passenger window in Jessica's car, and she tries to sink down lower in her seat, crimson with embarrassment.

Jessica leans over and kisses Ashlee on the cheek once she's done parking up. "You're better than all of them," Jess says, and when she leans over and touches at Ashlee's chin with the crook of her finger, Ashlee has to nod. "That girl is stupid for not liking you back, you hear me?"

Ashlee nods again. "Yeah," she says. She's so embarrassed she wants to cry. She's had her cell phone off all weekend just because she's been too ashamed to switch it on and have to deal with what it all means, with Cassadee knowing about Ashlee's crush, with _Pete_. She still hasn't switched it back on.

"You show them how awesome you are, girl," Jess tells her. "Put your game face on, like Daddy says."

"Yeah," Ashlee says, but she's not that great at pretending everything's okay when it isn't. She clutches her purse in one hand, and gathers her books to her chest. She takes a couple of really deep breaths, like she does before she has to perform when she's dancing.

"Ready?" Jess asks, assessing. She has her hand on the door handle.

"Ready," Ashlee agrees, and she climbs out, trying to plaster a smile onto her face.

"You look really great," Jess tells her, over the hood of the car, which isn't surprising since Ashlee had to get up forty minutes early that morning so that Jess could style her hair, and Ashlee could wear her new purple plaid shirt and her skinny pants. "Show them what they're missing."

 _I can do this,_ Ashlee thinks, as hard as she can. Her hands are shaking and she has to clench them into fists to stem her nervousness.

"Go on," Jessica urges, and Ashlee puts her chin in the air and her shoulders back and walks across the parking lot to where Cassadee's waiting.

"Hi," Cassadee says, when Ashlee gets close. She sounds kind of nervous, and she's re-dyed her hair, a dark blue streak sweeping across her face and over one eye. She looks really pretty, and Ashlee prepares to ride out the inevitable pain of the realization, but she finds that it doesn't hurt as much as she expected it to. Her overwhelming response is one of embarrassment and residual humiliation.

"Hey," Ashlee manages, and she thinks she deserves a prize for not breaking down and running back to the car and going back home to bed.

"I tried calling you a bunch of times," Cassadee says, awkwardly. "It kept going straight to voicemail."

"I was busy," Ashlee says, which is a lie. "Sorry." Which isn't. She hugs her books to her chest. "Sorry for running off on you on Friday night."

"I was worried," Cassadee says. "I couldn't find you anywhere and you wouldn't answer your phone."

Ashlee bites her lip. She wants to go home. "Yeah," she says. "I'm sorry."

Cassadee lets out a breath, and then says, all in a rush, "Is it—were you upset because I told you about Jersey?"

Ashlee wants to lie, but she's really not that good at lying. That's not how her daddy brought her up. "I guess," she says, and she keeps her gaze firmly fixed on the ground. She says it again. "I'm sorry."

Cassadee shakes her head. "You know," she says. "I haven't had a girl friend—a friend who's a girl," she adds quickly, as if Ashlee needs the clarification. Ashlee's pretty clear on that already, and her skin burns. "I haven't had a friend who's a girl in a long time. It's pretty awesome, and, like, I really don't want to not have that anymore. But I'm not. I'm not—I don't like you like that, Ashlee."

So this is what this feels like, Ashlee thinks. It's not as earth-crashingly horrible as she expected it to be. Finding out on Friday night was about a hundred times worse, and Ashlee thinks that was half the shock of finding out she was wrong about what she thought was going on. "Are you and, uh, Jersey—" she doesn't know how to finish her sentence. She leaves it hanging instead.

Cassadee shrugs a shoulder awkwardly. "I don't know. Maybe? Sort of, I guess." She blushes, and looks down. "I didn't do it to hurt you, you know," she says. Her eyes are bright. "I wouldn't do that."

"I know," Ashlee says. "It's not your fault."

"I still want to be your friend," Cassadee says. "I think you're pretty awesome, Ashlee. But I get if that's, uh, hard for you."

"No, I, uh. I still want to be your friend too," Ashlee admits, although she doesn't know how she's supposed to get from how embarrassed she feels right now to anything resembling _normal_. Out of the corner of her eye, she thinks she sees Pete heading up the steps into school. She sort of wants to call out her name and have her see Ashlee and come over, but Ashlee has even less of an idea what she wants to say to Pete than she does about what she's going to say to Cassadee. When she thinks she sees Pete looking over she looks away, too quick to make eye contact.

When she looks again, Pete's gone.

"That's great," Cassadee says, too brightly, and Ashlee has to drag herself back into the conversation and figure out what Cassadee's even talking about. Ashlee has precisely no idea what on earth is going on inside of her head, and she sort of thinks that even if she _did_ know, she maybe wouldn't want to. It's just... _Pete Wentz_. She hates her stupid face.

Except for how she maybe doesn't.

"Oh _god_ ," Cassadee goes on, too quickly to be comfortable, and she tucks her hand into Ashlee's arm without meeting her eyes. "I have wanted to talk to you all weekend," she says. "I kept thinking that I'd totally fucked everything up and I was beating myself up for not figuring shit out earlier." She looks worried. "Did I lead you on? Was Friday night my fault?"

Ashlee makes an embarrassed squeak. "Do we have to talk about this?" she asks. The last thing she wants to talk about is her crush on Cassadee. Her unrequited crush.

Cassadee looks sad. "I guess not," she says. "I just. I didn't want you being upset to be my fault, that's all."

"It wasn't," Ashlee says. "I was just really tired, that's all. And then I was busy all weekend. It's no big deal, I promise." It's such a lie. It's all just pretend. "I don't want you to feel all weird about it, Cass. It's totally no big deal." She remembers what Jessica said about Ashlee's game face, and she schools her expression into what she hopes is a relaxed and open smile. Her cheeks ache with the effort.

"Are you sure?" Cassadee asks, doubtfully. "Because you seemed really upset—"

"No big deal, I promise," Ashlee says, again. "So long as it doesn't weird you out so that we can't be friends anymore." Her heart beats loud in her chest, just in case Cassadee says _no_. Please don't let her say no, she thinks. Her palms sweat.

Cassadee lets out a long breath. "It's totally fine," she says. "Just so long as you're okay, and, like, not upset or anything."

"Not upset," Ashlee says, brightly. "I have to go, I have an assignment due and I totally left my book in my locker on Friday. I need to finish it up before homeroom, but I'll see you in drama class, though, right?"

"Sure," Cassadee says. "I'll save you a seat."

"That'd be great," Ashlee says, forcing another smile. "I'll see you there. Bye!"

And then she walks inside and down the hallway and up the stairs to the girls bathroom by the math classrooms, and then she locks herself into a cubicle and presses her fingers against her eyes and wills herself not to cry.

~*~

Even though Ashlee saw her going into school, Pete isn't in homeroom, and she isn't in drama class either. Ashlee taps her feet against the floor and volunteers herself to be Ms. Elliott's assistant for the duration of the class, since that means she can effectively avoid Cassadee's conversation without it being totally obvious that she's still so embarrassed she can barely form words.

Somehow Ashlee thinks that Cassadee isn't fooled, but this situation isn't exactly easy on either of them, so they're both letting it ride. Ashlee's pretty sure that if she pretends for long enough and hard enough then soon it'll be second nature for her to be friendly with Cassadee and for her to mean it and not be so ridiculously embarrassed by her stupid crush. Cassadee's obviously weirded out too, and trying too hard, and it would be so easy for Ashlee to just melt back into the back row and out of Cassadee's friendship, but Ashlee really doesn't want that. She wants whatever part of Cassadee she can get, and if that means getting over this crush and being just her friend then that is exactly what Ashlee is going to do. She is nothing if not determined.

At the end of class she plasters a smile on her face and waves to Cassadee and says, "See you later!"like she _means_ it. Like she isn't thinking about Cassadee going to meet Jersey and Jersey ducking his head and kissing Cassadee hello. If Ashlee were dating Cassadee then she'd take every opportunity to kiss Cassadee. She shakes her head, and determinedly scoops up her purse and her books and does not think about Cassadee kissing someone who isn't her. Who isn't a girl.

Ashlee hates that she got this so wrong.

Her gaze skitters over Pete's empty seat as she leaves, and she can't help the confused twist in her stomach, either. She can't stop thinking about Pete kissing her, and her head is so mixed up right now. She's all messed up thinking about Cassadee rejecting her without even realizing, and Pete liking her and Ashlee not believing it, and underneath all the hurt and the embarrassment, Ashlee can't stop thinking about Pete kissing her.

It isn't that she's got a crush on Pete or anything, that would be _stupid._ She likes Cassadee, even if Cassadee doesn't like her back.It's just that somewhere along the way Ashlee has started to think about Pete, too, and Ashlee's been staring at Pete for _years_ , she can recognize her anywhere. Ashlee knows that it was Pete that she saw that morning going into school, even if Pete didn't show up to homeroom or to class.

Ashlee doesn't know what else to do, but she's kind of fixed things with Cassadee - at least enough that they can pretend that they're friends, anyway - and that leaves Pete.

Not that she knows what she's going to say when she finally gets to speak to Pete - is there a non-humiliating way of saying, _I don't like you like that but please stop skipping school_? She doesn't think so.

Ashlee corners Pete's friend Joe during lunch. Joe has never seemed particularly fierce to Ashlee before, but he's clearly pissed with her now, which is weird since Ashlee hasn't spoken to Joe like, ever, unless you count first grade or whatever. Ashlee remembers Pete's tears on Friday night and feels pretty bad for a moment, until she remembers that Pete was a dick who kissed her when she didn't want kissing. She squares her shoulders and asks where she can find Pete.

Joe just stares at her and doesn't say anything, but then that weird tattooed kid, Andy, leans over and tells her that Pete's supposed to be working at the coffee shop at the mall after school until close.

"What did you tell her that for?" Joe hisses, elbowing Andy in the side.

Andy shrugs. "Because," he says, and leaves it at that. He's eating some strange looking cubed brown stuff out of a carton. Ashlee wrinkles her nose. She refuses to eat anything she can't recognize.

"Don't screw her up any more than you have already," Joe says, pointing at Ashlee with his fork.

Ashlee rolls her eyes, even though she feels like crying. "None of this is my fault," she says, finally, which she hopes is the truth. "I just, I don't know. I just wanted to talk."

"You never wanted to talk to her before," Joe points out, and Ashlee feels sort of bad because she knows that part is true. Thing is, Friday happened, and Pete kissed her, and Ashlee is kind of desperate to know _why_.

She shrugs. "I know," she says. "But I do now."

That part is true, too.

~*~

After dance class Ashlee skips out on her ride home and takes the bus to the mall instead. She doesn't look in any of the store windows, and instead she goes straight to the coffee shop and orders an espresso, even though she knows she'll probably hate it. It's just the first thing she sees on the menu and she doesn't actually care what drink she orders. She just wants Pete to make it for her, and then Ashlee can talk to her and figure out what is going on inside her head and everything can go back to normal, like before.

She feels tense and wound up, her heartbeat a buzz beneath her skin. She taps her foot to a relentless beat inside of her head, and swallows hard. She hadn't been able to concentrate in dance class either, losing the strength of the beat inside of her, thinking about Pete instead, Pete and Cassadee and her and what obsessing over Pete's kiss actually _meant_. For so long Ashlee has seen dance as a release from all the rest of her life, and when her stupid crush starts to seep into the space in her brain she keeps for dancing, then she knows that something has to be done. So she has to figure this shit out. She has to.

Pete doesn't see her until Ashlee's nervously leaning on the drinks counter, waiting for her espresso.

When Pete looks up, she's so startled she almost drops Ashlee's drink, and Ashlee blushes a fiery red.

"Hi," she says. She remembers her game face just in time, and does her best to look nonchalant and unaffected and cool. She isn't sure she pulls it off.

Pete swallows, loudly. "Ash," she says, her voice high and nervous. "Ashlee. Hi."

"Hi," Ashlee says again. She cups her stupid espresso to her chest. Like she even wants to drink it anyway, she pretty much hates coffee. There's a line building up.

"What are you even _doing here_?" Pete hisses.

"Looking for you," Ashlee says. Her tilts her chin up, trying to look as fearless as she can.

Pete glances at the line. There's a row of paper cups on the counter in front of her, each of them labeled up for Pete to fill. "This isn't a good time, Ashlee," Pete says, not making any move to fill anyone's drinks order. "I am really sorry about Friday, but I am at _work_."

"I know," Ashlee says. Her heart feels like it's hammering in her chest. "I just. I don't know. I wanted to talk."

"Not a good time," Pete says. There's a tall guy hovering at Pete's shoulder, dressed in the same green apron as Pete. Ashlee doesn't know whether he's Pete's supervisor or not, but whoever he is, he's giving Pete the evil eye. Pete is ignoring him in favor of staring miserably at Ashlee, and even though Ashlee doesn't really know what it is that she wants, she does know that whatever it is, it isn't to get Pete into trouble.

"Maybe I can meet you when you're done," Ashlee suggests. What even _is_ an espresso, anyway? Ashlee had seen the ones her daddy made in their kitchen every morning, but she'd never tasted one herself. She wondered what she was letting herself in for. "I could wait for you."

Pete's gaze narrows. "Why?" she asks, as if she's waiting for Ashlee to yell at her.

"Wentz," the guy behind Pete says. "There's a line."

"Yeah, I got it," Pete lies. "Ashlee -"

"Tell me when you're through here," Ashlee says, quickly. "I'll come and meet you."

"Pete will be done here at eight," the guy in the green apron tells her. He has one hand on Pete's shoulder. The conversation is clearly done. "You have a nice day now."

Ashlee nods quickly, and tries to smile. Her face feels funny. "I'll come back and meet you," she says to Pete, but Pete isn't looking at her anymore, ducking her gaze down at the hissing coffee machine instead, her cheeks flushed. "Well. Bye."

When she gets outside, she leans against the wall and tips her head back against the faux marble and tries not to wince at how embarrassing that was. She's so embarrassed.

"Shit," she says, under her breath, even though Ashlee can probably count the number of times she's sworn in her life on one hand. "Oh my _gosh_."

She swallows, and glances at her watch, a delicate gold strap with a heart-shaped face that her daddy had bought her for her birthday. She likes it and all, but Yves Saint Laurent is kind of too much to wear to school every day. She worries a lot about losing it, but her daddy likes to see her wearing it. There's another hour before Pete gets off work.

Ashlee sighs, and gingerly folds back the tab on her espresso, taking a sip.

It's horrible, and she drops the whole thing in the trash can outside McDonald's, slipping inside for a Diet Coke instead.

~*~

She gets back to the coffee shop five minutes before close, and rather than wait inside for Pete to finish up, she leans against the wall opposite the door and chews at her lip. She has her dance clothes in a bag by her feet, and a new nail polish in her pocket - purple, to go with her new plaid shirt. It's the kind of nail polish Cassadee owns and Ashlee's always wanted to buy; she thinks about applying a coat while she's waiting for Pete to finish up, but she figures she doesn't want to worry about smudging her nail polish when she's trying to talk to Pete.

Her phone buzzes in her purse, and when she pulls it out to take a look, it's from Cassadee.

 _Hey u wanna hit the mall after school 2moz?theres a new milkshake place. say yes!_

The new milkshake place is just down from Pete's coffee shop; Ashlee can see it from where she's standing. It boasts over a hundred different flavors and has row upon row of candy and chocolate on the wall behind the counter so you can pick your own milkshake mix. It sounds pretty delicious.

Quickly, and without allowing herself the opportunity to think about it too much, she types, _yes please!_ She feels nervous and apprehensive at the thought of hanging out with Cassadee, even though she wants this friendship thing to work more than anything.

Ashlee doesn't allow herself any time at all to wallow in how ridiculous she is. She allows herself a low-level burn of humiliation, and instead concentrates on the fact that the lights are going off in the coffee shop and the last couple of staff - Pete included - are hanging out by the front door with their backpacks. Then there's the beep beep beep of the alarm being switched on, and the door is opening and Pete and a couple of others are spilling out into the mall.

Ashlee straightens, and reaches down for her bag and her purse. "Hi," she says, as Pete comes over.

Pete looks—she looks kind of scared. "Hi," she says.

"Uh," Ashlee manages. "I didn't see you in school today."

"Yeah," Pete says, shifting from foot to foot, her backpack hanging off one wrist. "I was, uh. I cut school," she admits, finally.

"I figured," Ashlee says, because Pete doesn't exactly look sick. Ashlee's never cut school. "Did you do anything cool?"

Pete shrugs. "Hung around," she says. "Snuck home and played X-Box."

Ashlee nods. She gets that. She loves her DS a lot.

"Uh," Pete says, shoving her hands in her pockets. "You want to get out of here?" She nods down the hall, to where a security guard is ushering the last people out of the building.

"Yeah, I guess," Ashlee says. Pete's hair is sticking up at the front, probably from where she had to wear her stupid coffee house baseball cap all afternoon. She wants to reach out and smooth it down, and her fingertips itch. Her phone buzzes again and when she checks it, it's another message from Cassadee. It just says, _awesome! Wait for me after school, we'll go then._

Ashlee wonders if Cassadee is with Jersey right now, if they're making out. If they've gone further, even. She can't help but imagine Jersey's fingers on Cassadee's skin, sneaking under the hem of her shirt. Ashlee swallows, hard, and when Pete looks at her she frowns, and hurries her pace up, leading them both out of the mall and into the parking lot.

"Come on," Ashlee says, even though she has no idea where they're going, or how they're going to get there. She doesn't even know if Pete has a car.

Pete stops in her tracks. "Look, Ash," she starts.

"It's Ashlee," Ashlee corrects, exasperatedly. Pete's hair is falling in her eyes again, why doesn't she just get a _haircut,_ oh my gosh. Nobody can want their hair to be annoying, surely? "You need a haircut," she finds herself saying, without thinking about how it might sound.

Pete makes a face. "Jeez," she says.

"It's just, doesn't it annoy you like that? It's always in your eyes."

Pete shakes her head. "I like it like this," she says, stubbornly. "You sound like my mom."

Ashlee feels desperate. Her fists clench, and she has _no_ idea why Pete Wentz annoys her so much. She's like an irritating buzz beneath Ashlee's skin, like a fly she wants to just swat away with her hand, and she just keeps coming back to annoy Ashlee even more. "You're so _annoying_ ," she bursts out, finally.

"I didn't even _do anything_ ," Pete protests. "I'm just standing here. You're the one who's bugged me all afternoon and told me my hair was stupid."

"I just want to -" Ashlee trails off. She doesn't know what she wants to do. She doesn't know why she's here. "I don't know. You're so annoying."

"You said," Pete says, heavily. "You _always say_. Sometimes I wish you'd just leave me alone. I get it, okay? You don't like me. I'm a pain in the ass. I don't do it on purpose."

Ashlee's stomach is all twisted and in a mess. "You're the one who never leaves _me_ alone," she says. She fights the urge to stamp her foot. "You're always _there_. Following me around and being weird and, and, _kissing me_. Who said you could kiss me?"

Pete looks fiercer than Ashlee's ever seen her. "Shut up about the kiss, okay?" she says. "I am sorry. I should never have done it, I get it. You don't want anything to do with me -"

Ashlee gives in to her frustration and stamps her foot. "You drive me _crazy_ ," she says, angrily, and then she doesn't even know why she does it, but she takes one step, and then another, and then she's right _there_ , in front of Pete.

"I messed everything up," Pete says, uncertainly. They're close enough to touch.

"Yes," Ashlee says, her brow furrowed. She thinks about Cassadee and Jersey, and about how frustrating and annoying and _weird_ Pete Wentz is. She's so _tired_ of everything being in a mess and it is just _easier_ to lean in and press her mouth to Pete's than it is to try and figure out what's going on inside her head.

Pete makes a strange, muffled noise against Ashlee's mouth and then she kisses Ashlee back, one hand coming up to curl her fingers into Ashlee's hair.

The angle is all wrong and Ashlee feels awkward and rigid, her purse and her bag with her dance clothes in hanging off her wrist. But the kiss is softer and sweeter than Ashlee imagined it would be - different to the brief, desperate kiss they'd shared on Friday night.

It's over almost as soon as it begins, though. Pete's pulling away, pink-cheeked and flushed. She wipes her mouth on her sleeve. "Oh my _god_ ," she says, hoarsely, and runs her hands through her hair.

Ashlee bites her lip. She'd kissed _Pete Wentz_. And _liked_ it. She touches her fingers to her lips.

"Fuck," Pete swears. "I was trying to _apologize,_ " she says, desperately. "I was going to try and make it up to you. I didn't think you'd let me, but I was going to try. And then you go and do—that."

"I kissed you," Ashlee says, confused. Her palms are sweating. She can't stop thinking about Pete's mouth on hers. "I thought you liked me like that. I thought that was what you wanted. To kiss me."

"No," Pete says, shaking her head. Her hair falls in her eyes again, that stupid, _stupid_ swoosh. "Well. _Yes_. But not like this, oh my god." She kicks at the floor with the toe of her stupid neon sneaker. "You don't even like me like that, Ash."

"No," Ashlee says, doubtfully. Something about saying it feels strange.

"You like _Cassadee_ ," Pete goes on. "And do I look like the fucking consolation prize?" She looks like she's about to cry, and Ashlee feels like the worst person on the planet. "It's not _fair_ ," Pete says, and her voice catches. "It's mean, Ashlee. You're being mean. I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself and I'm not here to fool around with just because you don't get to date Cassadee." She wipes her nose on her sleeve. Any other time Ashlee would have found that kind of disgusting, but right now she doesn't care. She's too busy trying not to cry herself.

"Pete—"

"No," Pete says. "Look, I am _really sorry_ I kissed you on Friday night, and I'm sorry I made you cry, and I am sorry that I gross you out because I'm so weird, or whatever, and I'm sorry that you can't forgive me for one stupid thing that happened a million years ago." Her breath catches again, and Ashlee has to swallow down a sob. "I wish I'd never tripped you up in third grade."

"Second," Ashlee says, in a small voice. "It was second grade."

Pete huffs a laugh. "Right. Of course it was." Her shoulders slump, and she says, "I like you, Ashlee, and I'm really, really fucking sorry that I make you uncomfortable and I can't hide my stupid crush on you better."

"Pete," Ashlee says. She wants to say that second grade doesn't matter anymore, and that she's sorry. All of a sudden hating Pete for something that happened when they were little kids seems really, really stupid.

Pete shakes her head. "Go home," she says. "I'll see you in school, okay? And don't worry, I'm not going to bother trying to be friends with you anymore."

"Pete," Ashlee says again, but Pete pushes past her and out into the parking lot, and she doesn't look back, not once.

Ashlee is left by herself, all alone, and as she fumbles in her purse for her phone, she can't help but start crying.

~*~

It's going to take twenty minutes for Jessica to come and pick her up, and after fifteen minutes of waiting, Ashlee is kind of cried out. She sits on the curb by the edge of the parking lot and pulls her knees up to her chin and runs over and over in her head what Pete said to her. All she can think about is Pete telling her, _You like Cassadee_. Part of her wants to say _Yes! I do!_ but there's another part of her that really... kind of doesn't. She's so confused. Kissing Pete was—it should have felt weird, right? It should have been weird and wrong but it wasn't. It hadn't felt like that at all. She'd liked it, and not just because it was a kiss, but maybe because it was _Pete_ she was kissing. She tries to imagine kissing Cassadee, but every time she tries, it's Pete's face she sees, and Pete's mouth on hers.

She's more confused than ever.

~*~

"So," Jessica says, kind of doubtfully. "You kissed Pete Wentz?"

Ashlee nods miserably and looks out of the car window. "Yeah."

"Even though you don't like her?"

Ashlee just shrugs. She feels crappy about the whole thing, and she wants to go home and pretend none of it ever happened.

"Wow," Jessica says. "Ashlee, baby, that's kind of shitty."

Ashlee frowns. "What?" she says. Jessica is always on her side, and she's always on Jessica's. That's how it works. And Jessica swears as rarely as Ashlee does.

Jessica slows down for a stoplight. "It's just—it wasn't very nice of you. Like, if a boy messed with my heart like that then you'd be angry, right?"

"No," Ashlee says, without allowing herself to think about it. She is nothing like any of the boys who have screwed around with Jessica's affections. Nothing. "It's nothing like that."

Jessica waits a moment before replying. "I think maybe it is, sweetie." The stoplight turns green, and she edges forward, out into traffic. Taking a right at this junction is always hard. "If a boy knew I liked him and kissed me just because he was bummed the girl he _did_ like didn't want him back, well. You'd be pissed with him, right? That's not treating me right."

"I don't want to hear this," Ashlee says. "It's nothing like that. I'm nothing like that." She can't look at Jessica, because Jess is _wrong_ , and Ashlee is nothing like the dumb idiots that date Jess and screw with her heart.

"Ashlee—"

"Shut _up_ ," Ashlee says, her voice high. She wipes away tears with the back of her hand. "You don't know what you're talking about, so just shut up."

"Okay," Jess says, in a small voice. "Just—"

Ashlee leans over and turns the stereo on, switching the volume up as high as she dares. She can't hear Jess anymore.

She looks out the window and refuses to think about any of it.

She can't stop thinking about what Pete's mouth felt like against hers.

When they get home, Ashlee clambers quickly out of the car and slams the door behind her, rushing upstairs to her bedroom so she doesn't meet her parents in the hallway. She's angry and frustrated, and she feels so pent-up and upset. None of this is fair and none of it is her fault and the thing she hates most in the whole world is being in a fight with Jessica.

She wants to _hit_ something, she's so mad. Instead, she buries her face in her pillow for a minute, and then she stands up and changes into her dance shorts and a t-shirt, and she washes her face and goes downstairs into the basement. Her daddy built her and Jessica a dance studio when they were both convinced they were going to dance forever, and it's easy to slide a CD into the stereo and dance and dance until she can't think any more.

Then she sits on the floor and presses her hands to her eyes and wishes things were different.

~*~

Jessica comes into her bedroom when Ashlee's trying to sleep. She sits on the edge of Ashlee's bed and smoothes Ashlee's hair behind her ear.

"How did it feel, kissing Pete?" she asks, finally.

"Good," Ashlee says, softly. She sits up and rests her chin on her knees. "Real good."

Jess makes a face. "Maybe you should try being friends with her, or something."

"Yeah," Ashlee says. She prods gingerly at the space in her heart where her crush on Cassadee had taken root; it doesn't hurt as much as it had before. She tries - just as an experiment - imagining Cassadee's hand in hers, and although thinking about it still feels nice, it doesn't come with the same heady excitement as it once had. She still can't make head or tail of how she feels about Pete; the space inside of her she has reserved for Pete is just a mess of confusion and tangled thoughts, and somewhere hovering around the edges, the warm, happy feeling she'd had for those few seconds when Pete had kissed her back. "Maybe." Ashlee rests her forehead against Jess's shoulder for a moment. "Sorry," she says. "About earlier."

Jessica nods. "It's okay," she says, and she stands up to leave, hovering in the doorway. "Get some sleep, okay?"

Ashlee lets out a sigh. "You too," she says, but she feels a little calmer as Jess closes the door behind her. Fighting with Jessica is Ashlee's least favorite thing in the world. She flops back on the pillows and tries to fall asleep.

~*~

"Still on for milkshakes this afternoon?" Cassadee asks, bumping elbows with Ashlee in the hallway outside the drama classroom.

"Yes," Ashlee says. "It sounds like fun."

"Sure it does," Cassadee says. She laughs, and then she sobers a little, leaning in. "I'm really glad you said you'd come," she says. "I've missed hanging out with you."

"Me too," Ashlee says. She knows it isn't like they've spent all that much time together in the grand scheme of things, but she's gotten used to hanging out with Cassadee in the few weeks they've been friends, and it's been really nice to have someone aside from Jessica in her life. She realizes she's looking forward to seeing Cassadee after school, and isn't dreading it like she had been yesterday.

"Awesome," Cassadee says, pushing open the door to their classroom. "Do you want to partner with me in class today?"

Ashlee's attention slides to Pete, already sitting in the back of the class, slumped in her chair, scribbling in a notebook and resolutely paying Ashlee no attention whatsoever.

"Do you mind if I don't?" she says, still watching Pete. There's a weird feeling in her chest.

Cassadee's gaze switches between Ashlee and Pete, and Ashlee most definitely does not blush.

"Oh my _god_ ," Cassadee says, her face lighting up in a smile. "You and Pete?"

Ashlee bites her lip and shrugs. "No," she says. "Not yet, anyway," she amends, because maybe there's something in that mass of jumbled emotions in her heart, and maybe that something is Pete Wentz-shaped. Maybe. "I've got to make her like me again first."

"Not sure that's going to be that hard," Cassadee whispers, tucking her hand into the crook of Ashlee's elbow.

Ashlee thinks Pete can hear them, because her cheeks are pink. Ashlee swallows. "I don't know," she says. "I've been pretty mean to her."

Cassadee grins. "We'll mount a plan of attack," she says. "We can figure it out after school. Win her over."

Ashlee laughs, and just like that, any remaining tension between her and Cassadee is dissolved. It isn't like she's stopped thinking that Cassadee is one of the prettiest girls she's ever seen, or like she's stopped thinking that her and Cassadee would be good together, if only Cassadee liked her back. It isn't even that Ashlee has figured out a way to stop feeling the burn of humiliation that comes with remembering bursting into tears in the hallway outside the Gay-Straight Alliance dance. It's just that the awkwardness has gone. It feels good, and Ashlee laughs again, a little heady with excitement at the idea of trying to win Pete's affections. "It better be a good plan," she says.

"The _best_ ," Cassadee says. "Just you wait."

Ashlee bites her lip, and slips back through the rows of chairs until she reaches the back row, and Pete Wentz.

"Is this seat taken?" she asks, gesturing towards the chair next to Pete, empty apart from Pete's backpack.

Pete looks up, and then around the virtually empty classroom. Ashlee's early to class today. "I guess not," Pete says, awkwardly. "Don't you want to sit, uh, someplace else?"

"No," Ashlee says, decidedly. She feels a rush of excitement deep inside of her. She's doing this, she's really doing this. She stares pointedly at Pete's backpack, and then when Pete doesn't move, she huffs and picks it up herself, sitting down next to Pete and holding Pete's backpack on her knee.

"What are you doing?" Pete asks, finally, when Ashlee's stared at her for a whole thirty seconds. At the front of the class, Cassadee has two thumbs in the air, wishing Ashlee luck. Ashlee blushes.

Ashlee chews on her lip. "What are _you_ doing?" she asks, pointing at Pete's notebook, full of hastily scribbled out lines and almost illegible writing.

"Nothing," Pete says, closing her notebook.

"Well," Ashlee says. "I'm doing nothing too. Here."

"Awesome," Pete says, under her breath.

Then Ms. Elliott claps her hand to quiet them all down, and Ashlee sits back in her chair, satisfied.

Pete doesn't look up until Ms. Elliott tells them all to partner up and pretend to be a vegetable breaking through the earth. Then she makes a face, and tries to look anywhere but Ashlee for a partner.

"Hi," Ashlee says, as if Pete's frosty ignoring of her wasn't going on. Ashlee really is doing her best to pretend that isn't happening. "So, I think we should work together."

"What," Pete says. "No way."

"Everyone else is partnered up," Ashlee points out.

Pete swears under her breath, and glowers as Ms. Elliott tells the two of them they have to pretend to be beans growing up through the earth. "This class is stupid," she says, not loud enough for Ms. Elliott to hear.

"Yep," Ashlee agrees, standing up. "What's in the notebook?"

"None of your business," Pete tells her. "Why are you even sitting with me? You can sit anywhere. I'm not going to bug you anymore. I told you."

Ashlee shrugs awkwardly. "I want to sit here," she says, her resolve weakening. "I don't want you to, uh, not bug me anymore." That doesn't sound any less stupid when she says it out loud than it did in her head.

"Well, that's tough luck," Pete says, "because I'm fresh out of bugging material. Try someplace else."

"I don't _want to_ ," Ashlee says, and she has no idea what it is about Pete that drives her so completely crazy, but she's tempted to stamp her feet again, just to stop Pete being so irritating. If she had any faith in it actually working, she'd do it anyway. "Look," she says, in a low voice, "I am so sorry I screwed things up yesterday. I shouldn't have -"

"You shouldn't have kissed me, yadda yadda yadda," Pete says, interrupting her. "I know, you don't like me like that, I _know_ , okay. Jeez, will you stop rubbing it in?"

"No," Ashlee says, as carefully as she can manage. "That's not what I meant. I meant—" she trails off, unsure of how to word it. "I think I might like you," she says, finally.

Pete's head shoots up. "What?" she says, choking on a laugh. "You _think_? Wow. What happened to Cassadee?"

"Nothing," Ashlee says, stubbornly. Pete's laughing at her, and Ashlee _hates_ it when people laugh at her. "Me and Cassadee are friends."

"She turned you down," Pete says, nastily. "I told you, I'm not anyone's second choice."

"Well," Ashlee shoots back. "You're not mine either, so shut up." This isn't exactly going the way she planned it. She'd meant to apologize for the night before and win Pete's heart. That was kind of the opposite of how things were going. When Ms. Elliott looks over to see how they're getting on, Ashlee sticks her hands in the air and half-heartedly wiggles like a bean breaking through into the sunlight. Next to her, Pete does something similar. When Ms. Elliott looks away, they both stop, and glare at each other mutinously. "I am _trying_ to make things better," Ashlee hisses, finally.

"Well, _don't bother_ ," Pete says.

"I want to," Ashlee grinds out. "I am sorry I screwed things up between us, but I am trying to make things better, okay? Why won't you let me?"

"Because you haven't liked me since the second grade, forgive me for figuring that nothing's changed just because you kissed me."

Ashlee clenches her hands into fists. Pete drives her _so crazy_. "I don't even know why I want to kiss you, you're so annoying," she finds herself saying. It's like she has no control over her mouth any more. She watches in mounting horror as Pete flushes a dark, fiery red.

"I don't know why I want to kiss you either," Pete says. "I should have pushed you into that stupid dinosaur exhibit."

Ashlee frowns and sits down. Everything's a mess and she is really tired of always being so frustrated and angry with Pete. And it turns out that her stupid swooshy hair isn't just stupid after all, but kind of _cute_ , and Ashlee isn't at all sure when that had happened. "I don't hate your hair," she says, eventually.

"Great," Pete says, grimly. "I don't hate yours either."

"Awesome," Ashlee says. She folds her arms.

At the front of the class, Ms. Elliott rolls her eyes. "Don't think I can't see you two not participating," she calls, and Ashlee stands up and wriggles like a growing bean. This is _so stupid_.

"I want to be your _friend_ ," Ashlee says, after a minute of concentrated bean growth.

"Well, I want to be your girlfriend, but we don't all get what we want," Pete shoots back, and Ashlee freezes.

It feels like the room has shrunk down until it's just the two of them and nobody else; Ashlee can't hear anything but the loud, heavy thump of her heartbeat. "What?" she manages, her voice hoarse.

Pete is as red as she's ever been. "Nothing," she says, quickly. "Forget it, okay."

"No, seriously," Ashlee says, "say that again."

"No," Pete says, and she won't look at Ashlee.

"Pete," Ashlee starts, but Ms. Elliott claps her hands again and it is time for each group to show their piece to the rest of the class. Pete drags her chair away from Ashlee's and slumps down in it, arms folded. She doesn't look up, and when they have to show their bean piece, it's uncoordinated and stupid, and Ashlee blushes red the whole time and tries not to accidentally bump into Pete.

Ms. Elliott doesn't rate them particularly highly for effort.

At the end of class, Pete stands up and grabs her backpack so quickly Ashlee barely has time to gather her things together before Pete's out of the door.

Cassadee comes over and rolls her eyes. "This is the part where you go after her, doofus," she says.

"Oh my gosh," Ashlee says, red-faced. "This is the stupidest thing ever."

"No stupider than you two sniping at each other since forever," Cassadee points out. "It's kind of cute if you think about it."

"It isn't," Ashlee says, but she want to stay and try and figure out if what Cassadee's saying has any basis in truth or not. Pete drives her crazy but there's something about her that keeps Ashlee's attention; there's a magnetic draw towards her that Ashlee can't help but feel - the same pull that Ashlee's always felt to comment on Pete's hair, or her weird staring, or her stupid sneakers. It's still there, but now it comes with the added incentive of Ashlee wanting to _kiss_ Pete. It feels incredibly alien and all at the same time, oddly familiar, like an extension of something that was already there. She feels like such an idiot for not noticing sooner.

"Ashlee," Cassadee says, pointing towards the door. "Go on, if you want to catch up with her."

Does she want to catch up with Pete? Ashlee wavers for a second, considering whether she'd rather just stay here and hang with Cassadee in between classes. If she needed any resolution about how she felt about Cassadee and Pete, it's right here in this moment because she knows where she'd rather be, and it's not here with Cassadee when she could be off fixing things with Pete.

"I'll see you after school," she says, grabbing her purse and darting out of the classroom and into the hallway. She has to find Pete before her next class.

~*~

She finds Pete by her locker, sullenly dumping her books in and checking her eyeliner in a mirror covered in band stickers.

"Hi," Ashlee says, breathlessly. She's pushed her way through two crowded hallways and ignored Spencer Smith and Brendon Urie having a loud, very public argument about spirit boxes in the stairwell.

Pete looks kind of surprised to see her. "Uh," she says, eloquently.

It occurs to Ashlee that she knows exactly where Pete's locker is, even though it's in a completely different hallway to her own, and she knows which class Pete's got next - chemistry - and she knows Pete's schedule almost as well as she knows her own. "Oh my gosh," she says. "I think I've liked you for _ages._ "

Pete raises an eyebrow. "Awesome," she says, grumpily. "Can you move? You're in my way."

"No," Ashlee says, decisively. She folds her arms. She is in the middle of an epiphany here, and moving is out of the question.

"Fine," Pete snaps. "I didn't need my books anyway."

"No," Ashlee says, again. "Pete, just, I don't know. Just listen to me." She reaches out and stops her with a hand to Pete's arm, and Pete stills. She's babbling. "This might be totally stupid but I'm going to ask it anyway, okay? Will you come out on a date with me?"

Pete makes a face, and Ashlee bites her lip. "Are you—" Pete starts.

Ashlee shakes her head, even though she doesn't know what Pete's going to say. "I'm not screwing with you," she says. "I wouldn't."

"You have before," Pete says, uncertainly.

Ashlee feels terrible. "Yeah," she says, softly. "But I'm not now."

The bell rings for the start of the next period, and the hallway is rapidly emptying. Ashlee is going to get in so much trouble for being tardy, but right now she doesn't care.

"You like Cassadee," Pete says.

"As a friend," Ashlee says, and maybe it wasn't always the truth, but it is now. She likes Cassadee as a _friend_. It's Pete she wants to kiss. "I like _you_."

"You hate me."

Ashlee shakes her head. "I do not," she says. "I want to date you."

Pete makes a face. "You've kind of got a weird way of showing it," she says.

"Yeah, kissing you is totally a weird way of showing you I want to date you." Ashlee rolls her eyes. The hallways are virtually empty now, and Ashlee has to get right the way across campus to her next class. "Pete," she says, a little desperately. Ashlee's never late.

Pete swallows. "Okay," she says. "Okay, one date."

Ashlee is so relieved she can't think of a single thing to say. She smiles instead, because she can't not. "Great," she says, and Pete grins too, blushing red and ducking her head.

"I, uh, need to get my books," Pete says.

"Me too," Ashlee says, but she doesn't move.

"Ash," Pete says.

"Okay, okay," Ashlee says, and she has to go too, but she doesn't want to. She keeps looking behind her as she walks quickly down the hall to class, checking out Pete walking the other way.

When she gets to the stairwell, Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith are busy making out pressed up against the wall, completely ignoring the tardy bell.

Ashlee figures they resolved the spirit box argument, at least. She grins and runs past them down the stairs to class.

~*~

Cassadee demands all the details that afternoon over their milkshakes, and Ashlee goes pink and tells the whole story three times over.

"And then what?" Cassadee asks. "Where are you going, and when?"

Ashlee shrugs. She has the feeling that this should be weird, telling her old crush about her new one, but it actually isn't. It feels comfortable and kind of nice and Ashlee loves her sister more than anything, but having an actual friend to talk to is even better than she could have imagined. "I don't know," she says. Friday night is date night, after all, but this Friday is her daddy's birthday, and she and Jessica are going out to dinner with their parents. "It has to be next week, and oh my gosh, I don't think I can wait that long."

Cassadee grins. "You have it so bad," she says.

"I do not," Ashlee lies. She doesn't know how she got to this point, but she _did_ , and it feels great.

Cassadee pokes her in the side. "Liar," she says, and Ashlee giggles.

"I guess," she admits. "How am I going to wait until the end of next week? Really?" She takes a slurp of her milkshake. It's thick, blended chocolate, and it's delicious. Cassadee's is pink, with candy hearts on top. She bites her lip for a moment, and then elbows Cassadee. "And what's going on with you and Jersey?"

Cassadee rolls her eyes. "That _boy_ ," she complains, but her eyes are bright and shining. "He snuck out of his house last night to come meet me," she confides, "and then he got caught sneaking back in. Again. He's grounded until graduation, I'm going to kill him. See if I make out with him under the bleachers at lunchtime again."

Ashlee takes a moment to test her heart to see if it hurts. It's a little embarrassed, still, because declaring her crush by bursting into tears in the middle of a school dance and then running away and hiding isn't exactly how she would have chosen to do it, but it isn't wounded anymore. It doesn't hurt, not like it did. She grins, and something like relief shows in Cassadee's eyes, just for a moment.

"Pete says I can have a free coffee if I come in and see her," she confides. "How can I tell her I don't even _like_ coffee?"

Cassadee laughs. "Maybe you can start? If you're going to be hanging out in coffee shops waiting for your _girlfriend_ , the least you could do is start drinking coffee."

" _Cassadee_ ," Ashlee says, reprovingly, but then she giggles. "Oh my _gosh_ ," she says. "Pete Wentz is going to be my girlfriend."

It's - almost but not quite - the best thing she's heard all day.

~*~

By the time the following Friday finally rolls around, Ashlee feels like she's been waiting forever to go on her date with Pete. The week has dragged by so slowly, but now it's Friday, Ashlee can't believe it's finally here.

Once her dance class is over, Ashlee rushes home to shower and change for her date. She still can't really get her head around it; this is _Pete Wentz_ she's excited about dating. Pete Wentz, who's been annoying and stupid and weird since the second grade. Who drives Ashlee crazy, and makes stupid faces at her and peers over Ashlee's shoulder in drama class when she's trying to write notes and draws on her own arm to pretend she has a tattoo. None of that should be enough of a reason for Ashlee to want to go on a date with her, but here's the truth: Ashlee really does.

It isn't like she's forgotten the intensity of how she felt for Cassadee, but when she thinks back to two weeks ago, when she was crying over Jersey and Cassadee, what she remembers most intensely is the embarrassment and the disappointment. She doesn't remember so much the whirlwind of feelings that got her to that point, maybe because that part of her brain is so caught up with how she feels about Pete now. This _thing_ with Pete is exciting and fun and taking up too much space in her head for her to think about her last, intense crush. Plus she has Cassadee as a friend, now, so it's kind of like she gets the best of both worlds.

Jess knocks on her door and comes in with her flat iron. "Do you want me to do your hair?" she asks. She's already dressed for her date; she's in jeans and wedges and a flowery shirt with a big, wide red belt. She's dating Kurt again; it turns out that he really isn't as much of an asshole as Ashlee assumed he would be, and after a week of dedicated begging, Jessica gave in and agreed to date him again. She looks comfortable and relaxed and happy, and Ashlee takes a moment to wrap her arms around Jessica's middle and hug her.

"Thanks," she says. "Yes, please."

"Awesome," Jess says. "I love playing with your hair."

Ashlee just giggles. Her date with Pete is going to be pretty casual too, she thinks. She's wearing her new denim mini-skirt and her black cardigan, with the t-shirt she bought when she went shopping with Cassadee weeks ago, the one with cookies on the front. She's going to wear heels because they make her legs look longer, but she's not dressing up, so much as looking nice. "Where's Kurt taking you?" Ashlee asks, wriggling so that she's comfortable.

Jess stands behind her and runs her fingers through Ashlee's hair. "Dinner at Frankie's," she says. Frankie's is the burger restaurant the other side of town. Jess _loves_ burgers. "Then we're going to go see a movie. He says I can pick."

Ashlee laughs, because Jess's taste in movies is _bad_. The last time they got a movie out of the video store, it was _The Prince and Me 6_ , or something. At least it had been funny, but that's all Ashlee can remember about it. She wasn't sure it was meant to be a comedy. "Do you know what you're going to pick, yet?"

"No," Jess says, but she smiles, wide and bright. "I might see if he wants to see anything."

Ashlee shakes her head. "You pick," she says. "He can pick next time."

Jess laughs, and the straightening irons beep to tell them that they're all heated up. "That's a great idea," she says. She leans forward and presses a kiss to the top of Ashlee's head. "You look real pretty," she says, softly.

Ashlee bites her lip. "Thank you," she says.

"No problem," Jessica says, and curls her fingers into Ashlee's hair.

~*~

"Ashlee, tell me that there are no boys involved tonight."

Ashlee hates lying to her parents. "No, Daddy," she says. She thinks about Pete, and Pete's smile, and her weird notebook full of songs and how she watches Ashlee all the time. She smiles to herself, unable to help herself. "It's just me and Pete," she says. "Pete Wentz."

"That girl tripped you up in the second grade," Ashlee's mom says, from the couch. She's reading a magazine.

"That was a long time ago," Ashlee says, rolling her eyes. "She doesn't do that anymore."

"You were talking about it recently," her mom goes on. Ashlee doesn't want to be reminded. She remembers telling her mom at length about how annoying Pete was. It's _embarrassing_. Looking back, she can see echoes of her crush on Pete now, sneaking up in every conversation she had about her, for _ages_.

"She's nice," Ashlee says resolutely. "I think you'll like her."

"Well," her daddy says. "So long as there are no boys."

"Are you giving Ashlee a hard time?" Jessica asks, coming in with Kurt behind her. They've been in the kitchen, drinking iced tea and waiting for Ashlee to finish getting ready. Ashlee loves her sister. She even likes Kurt, who is the one who offered to give Ashlee a ride to Pete's place. Kurt hasn't made fun of her once for going on a date with another girl. There's a pin on his jacket which says _Equality for All_.

Ashlee thinks that Spencer Smith might have a lot to answer for.

"Just making sure she's not sneaking out to meet a boy," her daddy says, and then adds a laugh to make it sound jovial.

Jessica comes over and kisses Daddy on the cheek. "She isn't," she says. "She's meeting Pete. Stop worrying about _boys_ , Daddy."

"Hmm," he says. "Well, be home before eleven. You too, Jess."

"Sure thing, Daddy," Jess says, and when she turns around, she winks at Ashlee. "Come on," she says. "Pete will be waiting for you."

Ashlee can't hide her smile.

~*~

Pete's house is loud and confusing and untidy and busy. Pete has siblings, and loud parents, and Ashlee isn't used to the noise or the confusion. She shrinks back against the wall when Pete's mom invites her in and calls up the stairs for Pete to come down.

"Would you like a drink?" Mrs. Wentz asks.

Ashlee's about to shake her head, _no_ , but then Mrs. Wentz says, "Diet Coke?" And Ashlee can't resist.

"Yes please," she says.

"Great," Pete's mom says, and leans over the bannister to call up the stairs again. "Pete, your date is here."

"She's been up there ages," Pete's dad says, coming out of what looks to be the den. "Getting ready."

"Shush," Pete's mom says, hitting Pete's dad with a tea-towel. "Ashlee is Pete's _date_. You don't tell dates how long Pete's been locked in the bathroom." She gives Ashlee a conspiratorial wink. Ashlee burns red. "Over an hour, if anyone's asking."

" _Mom_ ," Pete says, from the top of the stairs. Ashlee takes a deep breath, because Pete looks _amazing_. Her dark hair has a streak of red in it, bright and wide, and she has tons of eyeliner on, and silver sparkly eye shadow. "Hey," Pete says, awkwardly.

Ashlee bites her lip. "Hey," she says. Pete's in skinny jeans and sneakers, but her shirt is blue and black and silver, like her eyeshadow and the barrette in her hair. She has on a ton of those black bangles.

"So," Pete says, running down the stairs. "Are you ready to go?"

"I'm just going to get Ashlee a drink," Pete's mom tells her.

"Mom, _no_ ," Pete says. She looks really embarrassed.

"At least I'm not getting out the baby pictures," her mom says. Ashlee feels horribly, horribly awkward.

"Maybe next time," her dad says.

Ashlee feels like dying.

"We'll get the Coke to go," Pete says, a little desperately. She's bouncing up and down on the tips of her toes, next to Ashlee. Ashlee can't even look at her. She holds her purse tightly and doesn't say anything.

"One, or two?" Pete's mom says, coming out of the kitchen with a can of Diet Coke.

"One," Pete says, grabbing the can. "We'll share. Okay, we're going now, see you later."

"Have fun," Pete's dad says.

"Here," Pete's mom rushes forward with her wallet. "Have some popcorn at the movies with this, or something." She hands Pete a couple of ten dollar bills.

Ashlee burns with embarrassment. Next to her, Pete looks petrified.

"It was nice meeting you both," Ashlee lies, because her daddy says politeness is always the most important thing.

"Don't be silly," Pete's mom says. "We've known you for years. You let Pete's rabbit out of her hutch at Pete's fifth birthday party."

"Okay, that's it," Pete says. "I'm never talking to either of you again."

Ashlee thinks that this might be the worst moment of her whole entire life.

~*~

It doesn't get any easier. When they finally get outside Pete is awkward and uncommunicative, and Ashlee doesn't know what to say.

"So," she says, finally, when the moment's stretched on and on. "Hi."

"Hi," Pete says, oddly distant. She fumbles in the pocket of her jeans for her car keys, juggling the Diet Coke and her purse as she struggles with her skin-tight pants. "Uh, would you like some?" She hands Ashlee the can, and Ashlee takes a gulp before handing it back.

"Thanks," she says. "So, where are we going?"

Pete blushes bright red. "This is totally stupid," she says, under her breath.

Ashlee doesn't say anything at all, because she has no idea what _to_ say.

"So," Pete says. "It turns out that in second grade I did something kind of idiotic, and I tripped you in the dinosaur exhibit."

Ashlee kind of remembers something like that happening, yes. "Uh-huh," she says, cautiously.

"And it also turns out," Pete goes on, her hand in her back pocket, "that I never really said sorry, or," she clears her throat, her cheeks pink, "or, in fact, made sure that you got to see the dinosaurs."

Ashlee chokes on a breath. "Oh my _gosh_ ," she says, because Pete's holding out two tickets to the late night opening of the dinosaur exhibit at the Natural History Museum. "Oh my gosh."

Pete bites her lip. "Will you come with me?" she asks. "I know it's probably not the kind of date you're used to—"

Ashlee impulsively leans over and presses a kiss to Pete's cheek. "Best date _ever_ ," she says, not pointing out that it is, in fact, her first date ever.

Pete looks decidedly pink as she unlocks her car and motions Ashlee to climb inside. "Awesome," she says, under her breath.

Ashlee grins, and texts Cassadee, _pete taking me 2 c dinosaurs. Best date EVER._

~*~

It is possible that the dinosaur exhibit at the Natural History Museum is not _as_ awesome as Ashlee had imagined it being back when she was in second grade, but it's still pretty cool. There's a life size model of a Stegosaurus in the entrance hall, and Pete stares studiously at it while reaching for Ashlee's hand.

Ashlee can't stop smiling.

She doesn't stop even though Pete won't be hurried, and is as annoying as she ever was, insisting on reading all of the information boards, even the really boring ones about rock formations and fossilized ferns. Ashlee amuses herself taking pictures of the tiny Velociraptors with her phone and sending them to Jess, who gets freaked out watching Jurassic Park. Jessica keeps sending her messages that just say :((((. It's kind of funny.

What's also kind of funny, or maybe _weird_ , is how every time she looks at Pete she gets this strange flippy feeling in her stomach, a burn of something hot and exciting that makes her palms sweat. It's a curious mix of strange and enticing and familiar all at once, because Ashlee has been obsessed with Pete Wentz in one way or another since she was seven years old. She bites her lip and leans over, close enough to whisper. "Thank you for this," she says, because she's nothing if not polite.

Pete makes a face. "It's okay. No tripping this time " she says. They're standing by the Tyrannosaurus Rex and watching a looped cartoon of one attacking a tiny dinosaur that sort of reminds Ashlee of _The Land Before Time_ "I'm sorry I did that, you know."

"I know," Ashlee says. "I'm sorry I didn't let it go years ago."

"I'm not," Pete says.

Ashlee must look puzzled, because Pete rolls her eyes.

"We wouldn't have had anything to fight about. And I _liked_ fighting with you."

Ashlee's cheeks burn. "You were so annoying," she says. "You drove me crazy."

"You were more annoying," Pete tells her. "All I ever wanted to do was sit next to you, you know."

"You kept staring at me," Ashlee points out. "That was weird."

"You were always watching _me_ ," Pete shoots back. "Don't think I didn't notice. And you were always telling people how annoying I was."

Ashlee feels awful. "Sorry," she says, in a small voice.

"Doesn't matter," Pete says. She sounds curiously content about the whole thing. Pete Wentz is _weird_.

Ashlee makes a face. "You're so weird," she says.

"So are you."

"Yes," Ashlee agrees. "Your hair isn't stupid, either."

"Thanks," Pete says. "I think."

Ashlee wonders why it is she can only say ridiculous stuff when Pete's around. It's like an affliction. "No, I—" she starts. "I always thought your hair was stupid. Before. You know."

Pete blinks. "Oh," she says.

Ashlee thinks what else she could possibly say to make this moment worse. "I like it now, though," she tries.

"Okay," Pete says, awkwardly. "I, uh, I like yours too. You looked really pretty when you dyed it."

Ashlee slips her hand into Pete's again. She remembers how excited she'd been to change the way she looked so that she could catch Cassadee's attention, and how much happier she is, now that she's holding Pete's hand. "You said one date," she says, impulsively. "When I asked, you agreed to one date."

Pete hums. "Yeah," she says, "I did."

Ashlee squares her shoulders, and tilts her chin up. "How about another one?" she asks. "I mean. This one isn't even over yet, I know, but I was hoping—"

Pete squeezes her hand. "Let's go to the gift shop," she says. "If I buy you a pencil with a dinosaur on the top will you come on another date with me?"

"Only if you let me buy you a key chain," Ashlee says.

Pete shrugs. "Deal," she says, and Ashlee beams all the way there, her hand in Pete's.

~*~

Epilogue

The Gay-Straight Alliance's official end of year dance is in full swing when Pete and Ashlee sneak out to the parking lot.

Ashlee tugs Pete out of the well-lit area, and presses her up against the wall of the math classroom.

"What's this for?" Pete asks, but Ashlee answers her with a kiss.

"You look amazing," Ashlee says, because it's true. Ashlee is so used to seeing Pete in too-tight jeans and ridiculous sneakers that the sight of her in a tiny pleated skirt is enough to make Ashlee try to sneak her hand under it while no one is watching

Pete just laughs, and wraps her arms around Ashlee's shoulders, at the same time as spreading her legs a little so that Ashlee can stroke at her thigh with her fingertips. " _You_ do, you mean."

Ashlee grins in delight, and presses closer. Her breasts are pressed up against Pete's. It feels good. She kisses her again, and Pete laughs against her mouth, her tongue sliding along Ashlee's, familiar and hot all at the same time.

It doesn't last nearly long enough, because Pete pulls away and rolls her eyes. "I have a whole house to myself for the evening, and you want to kiss in the parking lot," she says. "I think you must be crazy."

"I think you must be hot," Ashlee says. "It's the only possible reason."

"Yeah," Pete agrees. "That and you totally have a thing for making out in public."

Ashlee makes a sound in her throat, and presses her mouth to Pete's again. "I do not," she says, after a minute of making out with her hand resting in the small of Pete's back, fingers dipping beneath the waistband of her skirt. "I just want to kiss you _all the time_ , that's all. Kissing in public has nothing to do with it."

"Sure it doesn't," Pete says, contentedly. "You want to come back to my place and let me take your shirt off?"

"You say the nicest things," Ashlee says, giggling.

"It's a skill," Pete admits, and she leans in, taking Ashlee's lip between her teeth for a moment before kissing her. "So, what do you say?"

"I say _yes_ ," Ashlee says, decisively, because Pete's shirt is really nice, but it would look even nicer on Pete's bedroom floor. She wraps her arms around Pete's neck, which isn't the best way to cross the parking lot, but she doesn't much care. Over the other side of the lot, Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith are making out against the hood of Brendon Urie's purple minivan, and Ashlee giggles. "Those two are ridiculous," she says, and Pete nuzzles her neck.

"Stop staring at them and get in the car," Pete tells her. "We're on a schedule. A shirt-removing schedule."

"Oh," Ashlee says, clambering in to the passenger seat of Pete's car. "A schedule, huh?"

"Uh-huh," Pete says, climbing in and shutting her door. She slides her hand up Ashlee's thigh. "Stop distracting me, I'm trying to drive."

Ashlee laughs, bright and clear. "Hurry up, then," she says, and Pete leans over and kisses her quickly. Ashlee grins, and tugs on her seatbelt. "We have a schedule to keep to."

~*~

Ashlee's right. Pete's shirt really _does_ look a whole lot better on her bedroom floor.

 

 **[end]**


End file.
